Jan 22 2009
Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out: Part 7
Here’s some stuff you might need to know:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Yum Yums
The day after Thanksgiving means a lot of things to different people. For me, it means coming down off my sugar high. Thanksgiving Day is the only day of the year it’s acceptable to eat an entire can of cranberry sauce by yourself. So that’s what I do. Ok, maybe it’s not normal, but it’s understandable. Ok, well…maybe it’s not understandable either. But Ocean Spray is the bomb at making cranberry sauce – even though it’s not a sauce. But I don’t fault the marketing people. It would be hard to sell a product called Cranberry Gelatinous Cylinder.
Let’s Get It On!
No, the day after Thanksgiving is reserved by most people for shopping. Every year stores open at 5am (or earlier) so we can rush inside and buy crap we don’t need (but that’s another blog). I was going to say stores open their doors at 5am, but that’s rarely the case. The smarmy mob of bargain hunters waiting outside routinely busts the doors down, sometimes removing the door off the hinges altogether. The day is appropriately called Black Friday because (I think) every year at least one person is trampled to death. People who haven’t physically exercised since the previous Thanksgiving karate chop their way through the crowd at the entrance and haul butt down the aisles, burning off the previous day’s turkey on a search for the present day’s prize. It’s funny. Today’s singles game isn’t a lot different.
Singles Black Friday
Many things in life are defined by a bell curve. Take grades in school. There are a few people who are super dumb, most who are average, and a few who are super smart. It’s the same thing in the singles game today as it relates to looks. There are a few people who are, objectively (NOTE: I said objectively!), not attractive, some who are super attractive, and the rest of us fall in the middle somewhere. And while it makes sense that average people would marry average people, many of us hold out hope we can have one of the ultra gorgeous. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it ends up producing really weird behavior in us. I’m writing today about what happens when girls start to obsess over a guy. Just like Black Friday, the doors of life open and girls go crazy trying to get the limited quantity hottie. Except it seems like there are many more injuries.
The Wonder Years
Remember what it used to be like to obsess over someone? It was like this little adventure. When we were in middle school, it usually involved prank phone calls. You and a couple friends would all get together around the phone and dial a number. Your hearts were beating so fast, you couldn’t stand it. All of a sudden, one of you said, “No, no, wait, hold on. Don’t finish dialing.” They had an idea. They’d go rumbling upstairs in the house somewhere and come barreling back down even faster. “AWESOME!” everyone yelled. Your friend was holding a Fisher Price tape recorder. The one with the small mic. They pushed record and excitedly rambled, “Dial! Dial! Dial!”
The phone starts ringing. Everyone pressed their ear close. The microphone gets shoved in there, too, to record all the action. So much excitement! The other line picks up, “Hello?” You and your friends hang up. Click. Everyone yells, “AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” High fives all over the place. Then someone realizes the Fisher Price is still recording and points to it saying. “Let’s listen, let’s listen.” You rewind the tape and listen back. Faintly you all hear, “Hello?” and then your phone hang up and the raucous explosion that just took place and it incites another celebration. This has been a middle school coup! You called someone’s house and then hung up on them. BRILLIANT!
Degrassi High
When we got to high school, things advanced slightly in complexity. In addition to prank calling people, we also began TP’ing their house. I still haven’t figured out why our emotion of being attracted to someone plays itself that way. “Hey, baby, I think you’re hot. Let me throw some toilet paper in your trees.”
Anyway, we would obsess over people by finding out where they worked and going to see them there. We’d get their address and do a driveby which really made no logical sense. You drive by their house wanting to see them, never thinking that if THEY saw YOU, you’d totally freak out.
Many nights, I would open up the high school yearbook. I’d scan through all the pictures and make small little marks next to the girls I thought were good looking. I always intended on making a Hot Girls Table of Contents but never got around to it.
College+
Now we’re in the 21st century. We have the internet. It’s really simple to obsess over people now – we have Facebook and other online tools. It’s truly convenient. In high school, we had to leave the house to act on our obsession. Today we’re back to the simplicity of middle school!
And the high schoolers have this now, too. Back when we were in high school (late-20, 30-somethings), it took 5 minutes of a garbage-truck chorus from our modems to even CONNECT to the internet. Then we got on and used email programs like Juno and Prodigy. We thought awesome graphic design had to do with animated flags that looked like they were waving in the wind. It took half a minute for CNN.com to load its frontpage.
It’s All Fun and Games
At this point in my life, I don’t know that there’s anything wrong with Facebooking or these seemingly innocent forms of obsessing/having a crush, but what I DO think is sad is the EXTENT to which we all engage in it. At some point, it stops being a game. And that’s just a small word of warning to girls. Everyone wants the hot guy at church. But there are about 100 of you and 1 of him. For some strange reason, it seems like the girl who obsesses the most wins him. But while that makes the guy feel good initially (something we’ll talk about in Part 9), he’s ultimately repelled by it.
Things Were Going So Well
Have you ever hung out with a guy non-stop for a few weeks (or maybe longer)? It’s magic! We talked about it earlier in this series. At first, guys eat up all this attention you’re giving them. “I’m the man,” they tell themselves. “This girl is hot, she’s making out with me. BLING!” Girls think, “Oh my gosh! There’s finally a guy who’s paying attention to me! And he’s making out with me and he’s not that great of a kisser, but who cares. BLING!” This weird, unhealthy codependency starts. He’s having his ego stroked, you’re having your hair stroked. But for most guys, this is a situation that, over time, saps our energy and steals our life.
The Blue
One day we come over to your place. Totally out of the blue, the guy says, “Listen, I just can’t do this. We can’t date anymore.” Then he walks out the door. It hits you like a ton of bricks. “Things were going so well,” you tell your friends. That’s what you think. But things had been unraveling for the guy a long time ago. We’re just really good at acting.
While the immaturity of guys is a big reason for relationship difficulties, the propensity of girls to obsess isn’t helping! I know girls will, rightfully, object and say, “Well, I don’t get it! How are we supposed to marry a guy if he’s not willing to spend lots of time with me? You’re saying he wants to go out and play games all the time. It doesn’t seem like there’s any hope! I (the girl) need to show him I’m interested and he should show interest in me. That’s what relationships are about.” And you’re right. But only partly.
The Full Monty
As the relationship winds down in a guy’s heart, we can’t fully explain it, but we gradually get a yucky feeling inside.That’s what it feels like practically, because spiritually we weren’t created for this! For as stupid as us guys are, we’re still made in God’s image! There is still part of the original Adam inside us. Somehow, we know we were created to obsess over one thing alone – God Himself! And when we get into relationships with you, they’re often not centered around Him. They’re centered around you. You will never satisfy us completely. And we will never satisfy you completely. Yes, we should show interest in you. But if we show interest in you ALONE or more than we show interest in Christ and all that He is for us, there will be goofiness in our relationship. Our hearts will make us uncomfortable and we’ll bail.
Show Me the Money
In Jerry McGuire when Renee Zellweger tells Tom Cruise, “You complete me,” I don’t think she’s saying “You’re all I need.” But when many guys and girls start dating these days, our relationships begin seem that way: we shut friends out of our life, spend tons of time together alone, rarely talk about Jesus, and let other areas of our life waste away. We’re busy in a relationship. The other person is all we need. There’s crazy obsession.
Every Girl’s Enemy…And Guy’s
Girls, how many times have you picked out a perfect dress for some event? You put it on and….DANGIT! Static cling! This is terrible. Or maybe you have a big meeting someplace and your hair is going crazy. It looks like you’re touching one of those electricity globes. Your hair is sticking out all over the place. You hate it!
Do you know what happens when girls carry rampant obsession into a relationship with a guy? It seems like there’s passion at the outset, but it’s a façade. It’s really clinginess. And when girls get clingy, guys get nervous! To us, clinginess smells roughly like the plague (if the plague has an odor). The longer you cling, the more nervous we get. To you, it seems like we break up with you “out of the blue,” but it’s not so. It’s been in the forecast for days or weeks! If you’re clingy, he will either break up with you, or you will both continue in a codependent relationship that is super unhealthy.
Add It Up
Add all this up and we have another reason certain guys (probably the ones you want to go out with) aren’t asking you out. You obsess. If these guys get a whiff of the obsession stench (not to be confused with the delicious-smelling Calvin Klein cologne), we’re going to be out the door faster than a sprinter. We’ve been there and done that – got the t-shirt and gave it to Goodwill. We don’t want it back. It’s a lot cooler to chill out with the boys, eating pizza rolls, talking about football (something we’ll also talk about in a later part), and occasionally bringing you all up in conversation than to actually be in a relationship. We’ll stay single for a while, thank you very much.
But there’s another group of us guys who just never learn. You obsess and we acquiesce, start dating, and break your heart. As we said previously, the problem is that guys don’t know what we DO want, so we make these same mistakes with you over and over again! You know the guy at church who’s a heartbreaker? He’s the guy every girl has dated. For this reason, he has a reputation as a clown. But he’s good looking and charming so girls keep falling for him. He doesn’t have a malicious heart! He’s just foolish. The faster girls identify him as a fool, the faster he can be prayed for to get wisdom. Guys, the faster WE admit to being fools, the faster we can SEARCH for wisdom. Then we’ll have relationships with girls that don’t tend toward total dysfunction.
The Song
Here’s a song a lot of girls can identify with…[Afterword: I changed this slightly based on comments and what I intended to convey]
“Give me one amazing guy
Give me one magnificent guy
Give me one glorious guy
To know and follow around
To know and follow around
This world is full of a bunch of choads
I want Prince Charming, not a toad
Lead me to The One.”
I made that up. But you may have realized it’s based on a real song. Do you remember “One Pure and Holy Passion?”
“Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You
To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you.”
Girls, there is NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING wrong with wanting to be married. But if your heart is incredibly anxious about finding a guys, calm it! Do you replace what should be your first love, Jesus, with the flavor of the month? You were created to obsess about God Himself! Obsess about Him in every way. Think on what Jesus has done for you! Pray and thank Him! And while you’re praying, ask the Lord to build wisdom into His sons – that we would all together…
“Love the Lord [our] God with all [our] heart and with all [our] soul and with all [our] mind.”
The End
It’s not Black Friday! People may storm the store for an HDTV or girls may storm the church for the best guys, but God is not poor. The attitude of scarcity – “there’s no good guys” – doesn’t have to be in you! He’s the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He made the universe. He changes people’s hearts. But His desire isn’t just that you would have a guy – but a guy who helps you walk this life with Jesus. Pray for it! Don’t let us guys lead a relationship into a void where the only thing you get is your hair stroked. Your soul is too important! If you’re inclined to be discouraged because you’re not dating think about being excited at what God might be pleased to do in answer to prayer! You might get to see Him answer and, when He does, you’re going to love it!
A parting thought. If you find yourself talking with the girls about guys too much, ask each other a question next time you’re together: How can we obsess over Jesus? Because feasting on a can of Foolish Dude Cranberry Sauce will continue to cause you a sugar crash on the day after a breakup.
Click for Part 8.
Andy, that was awesome.
I wrote a blog one time about loving the Lord with all our heart, soul and mind, but the word obsessive escaped me. Probably because it has negative connotations, but even so, you’re very right.
Alright. So we obsess. Most likely because if you aren’t at our balcony with flowers, puppy dog eyes, and a serenade, we wonder what’s wrong. It happens in every romantic comedy on our DVD shelf, why is it not happening to us!? We obsess because OBVIOUSLY our first attempt at nudging you our way didn’t work (flirt tactic: laugh a little too loudly at his joke and poke his arm). Our second attempt at giving you the nod “yes it’s okay to pursue me” didn’t work (friendly email about Cubs baseball and our awesome plans this weekend). So we try to force it to happen. BE MY VALENTINE. RARRRR! Thus we become the perfume-soaked monster from whom you run. All the while we hate ourselves because we know it’s ugly and already told ourselves, “This time, I’m going to wait. I’m going to wait for this one to pursue me. If he wants me, he’ll come after me. Thats how he is geared. He knows my number. He likes the chase, we like the pursuit. If it’s meant to be, the Lord will work it out no matter if he catches me in my sweats at Publix in a couple of weeks.”
That all flies out the door though when our heart says, “yes, he is what I’ve been waiting for, I am what he has been waiting for! He just doesnt have a clue yet! I’ll give him a clue. Poor little guy. He must just be dumber than I thought. or busy. or blind. I’ll just help him out a little bit” And there we are again. Sitting in our bedroom, zipping up our boots, shaking our head. “I did it again. Now I have to delete his number from my phone so I dont completely ruin myself. Next guy that comes along, I’m not going to text him once. or email him. or even think about him. The Lord has this under control.”
FAIL.
With what do we trust the Lord? You’ve hit the nail on the head Andy. My Savior and Counselor and Lord and Father and Hosanna!!!! He’s not just the puppet master of our life! He’s not part of our board of directors. We don’t just go to Him and say, “Hey um…could you…like…make this guy wake up and love me cause I’ve kind of been getting my heart ready to be a righteous woman and now I think I deserve my compensation bonus? Thanks that would be great, oh and..please help Mrs. Smith to get over her illness. and Lucy to get that job she’s been wanting.” Grrrrrrr……”Lord when are you going to do something about this? If you don’t act now, I’ll lose him!” We have forgotten our first love and our cup overflowing for Him. We have lost our desire to be a full vessel for our First Love. We are His bride forever. We don’t trust the completion and fullfillment of being passionate for Him. We do not delight in His path. We have become cynics of waiting on His surprise for our lives. Calm our hearts, Lord. I’m on my knees at the cross and hungry for more! Show me your wounded feet and hands again! I’m a fool. Why do I forget so easily what you’ve done for me and WHO YOU ARE.
Andy,
I’ve been keeping up with series and I love it. Thanks for the putting God into the perspective.
How’s the job situation going? Good for you for following your heart!
Have a great day – can’t wait for the next one!
Jordan
hey andy,
it’s conlon from high school. interesting read. anyway, i know this is off topic, but i just wanted you to know that black friday has that name because it’s the day that retailers hope will “put them in the black,” not because people die. anyway, the retailers hope that the sales bring in people, who will then spend large sums, en masse, so that whatever deficit the retailers have been operating under ends, and they start operating in the profit margins. sorry if this annoys you.
e
Erin, not annoying at all!! SO GOOD!!! Super interesting! I even checked Wikipedia about that and there wasn’t any info there. Or I was too dumb to see it. So this is a welcome addition to the blog!!! Muchas gracias, senorita! For everyone else: The high school Erin and I went to was HUGE (around 5,000 kids) and the yearbooks were HUGE and took forever to go through! Just an fyi in case you were picturing my lonely soul marking girls in there.
andy,
I did indeed have a mental picture of you marking girls with little hearts and stars and frowny faces and the ever apathetic dot. and then i laughed, because although i didn’t do the same thing, i know people who did. i personally was looking for underground tunnels and escape routes from high school. they didn’t give us those maps in the yearbooks. this brings me to the next point — guys aren’t the only ones looking for the next …. i think that to a certain extent, most of us will constantly keep one eye out for “better” or “more” or “right.” and while we’re unlikely to admit it, the obsession, as you call it, is a way to try and figure out if this situation, this person is “right.” it’s an attempt to intellectualize things that really should be left to unfold. and i think that the incessant analysis and digging ends up hurting us all because it stops us from feeling with our whole hearts, which rushes and halts the process all together.
anyway, i think you’re onto something, but i wonder if you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be. if i were to boil down your series, what i hear you saying (and stop me if i’m wrong), is that 1. trying to force emotion is unnecessary and 2. when the emotion is real, you’ll feel it in your soul. (i’m going to leave the god analysis to you, because i don’t have the base or faith that you do. but i think that ‘feeling it in your soul’ is about equal to knowing that you’re acting as god would want you to.)
So what do you think about this — guys aren’t asking you out because you (as a girl) are too worried about the actions of others, and less concerned with your own actions and feelings. maybe if us women were to just take a step back and stop trying so hard to be either in or out of the dating scene, and start focusing on living an authentic life, we’d find that the right person to be a part of that life will somehow find their way into it. (?)
Way to hit on co-dependency!
Way to redirect our obsession to Jesus!
Love it, LOVE IT!
*insert cheer*
Now… to work it out in our lives…
(Andy– I believe that you have to approve comments before they post. Unless you WANT to have this posted, I’m fine with this just being private feedback to inform your future thoughts. After I finished writing it, I considered emailing it to you, but couldn’t find an address.)
Ack. Ack. Ack. Ack.
Andy– this is a great series. I’ve become a regular of your blog, and I really think you’ve got what it takes to become a professional writer. You have a TON of really insightful stuff in this “Ask You Out” series, and I think many men AND women can (and ARE) benefiting from it. The main point of your blog today– that obsessing over one another is unhealthy and creates a relationship that’s impossible to sustain, because we’re meant to obsess over only God– is right on.
However, I feel like it’s hard to see that point through the over-simplified description you provide of women.
To state that there are scads of us lusting after the “one hot guy” at church is insulting, Andy… I’ve read quite a bit about the differences between men and women, and one of the foremost distinctions is that women are far less “visual” than men. Attractiveness is a consideration for us, sure– but in my experience, personality, character, and faith have been FAR, FAR more important as determiners of whether or not I’ll be interested in a guy. Not one of the guys I’ve ever seriously dated is what I would consider my physical “type”– but I cared for them deeply, because of who they were. Furthermore, in falling for them, my attraction to them physically was completely enhanced.
Conversely, I have known MANY “hot” guys, who have proven themselves to be utterly unattractive through their arrogance, callousness, or immaturity.
There exists incredible loyalty among women as well: suggesting that I would be cool with one guy dating my entire passel of friends, including me, is absurd. Real life is not The Bachelor, and most women are not interested in competing against scads of other women in going after THE guy. Especially when it would put their friendships at risk. Who even IS “the guy”? I can’t think of a single conversation I’ve had with my girlfriends where we discussed anyone who fit that description. People are people– we are varied, and complex, and different people are attracted to DIFFERENT kinds of people.
Lastly: please, please acknowledge that we are not all waiting around dreaming of engagement rings, or that we are making eyes at every guy who walks by us without a peg-leg or a tail.
Women have standards too. Women can be SECURE too. Women are looking for more in a man than just HOT-ness. And we may analyze, but I know for a fact that you gents analyze our actions as well. And yes, yes, yes, we CAN understand already that God is the one to obsess over, and that a man/boyfriend/husband can be simply an excellent addition to an already full life.
I love your thoughts Andy, but this one hit a bad note for me. Please give us more credit.
Fantastic feedback, Greta! I appreciate this greatly! My 4th resolution of 2009 is to stop using superlatives. A cousin to that is probably generalizing.
Here’s the challenge of writing something like this: you have to generalize in order to put things in categories that are discussable. That has been my primary goal of this series – to try and organize disparate, confusing thoughts around the subject of dating so we can all have new categories of thought instead of random thoughts and feelings about stuff. Then, having these categories, we can relate to each other and Jesus differently. The reason I appreciate your reply so much is because I’m bound to make mistakes. And I need those pointed out to me (and if you read the I Quit My Job blog, this is the reason I want a Content Board – to review things like this before you all read it).
I acknowledge and agree with everything you said! Because I’m still getting used to thinking and writing on such a critical level, these mistakes are a result of my current limitations as a writer. My hope is that those, like you, who I offend, will grow with me. It’s not my intent to offend. There will be times in the future that readers may be offended and I’m unapologetic (because I’ll believe what I wrote to be true), but I certainly agree with you here that not all girls are as I describe!
While over-generalizing, I still think there ARE a lot of girls who make the mistake I discuss in today’s blog – obsessing. I hope you’d agree that what I wrote is not a COMPLETE misrepresentation of reality, just not a complete picture of it. It may not be an accurate picture of you and your friends, but it describes the reality of some. Truly, my aim is not to pigeonhole all girls into this mold here. Perhaps my language makes it seem that way (I’ll look at it a little later).
Anyway, Greta, you’re helping me be a better writer and I’m thankful for what you wrote!! -andy
hey…stranger….
yeah…i don’t totally agree with that.
i respect your points about obsession. i think you’re totally right about girls wanting to be passionate about a guy, more than they do about Christ, which is really backwards. and a totally valid point.
the point i don’t agree with:
girls go after hot guys. i think you just addressed this in someone else’s comment, but i agree with that person. girls are less visual. i think less likely to obsess over a HOT guy…it’s not so important to us. but still, we’re VERY likely to obsess over a guy in general. i see this as being more of a male problem…only paying attention to girls that they can brag about to their friends.
also, a thought about obsession. it’s definately a problem. putting boys before Christ. however…the frustrating part for girls who don’t get asked out much…is that the guys we want to date, fall HARD for the girls who obsess over them in obvious ways. the ways you described. the ways that are annoying or overwhelming. and those guys ignore the girls who aren’t like that, because we’re not making grandiose attempts to get their attention. so either we can obsess and be annoying, or be a reasonable person and not date at all. those seem to be the options.
still, very good post. and i love that song. the Jesus version.
Andy, thank you for being so gracious in your response. I really didn’t intend for that to be visible to your entire audience– I actually just called Annie P and told her how badly I felt!
I DO appreciate you being open to considering feedback when generalizations perhaps go too far, or when there may be holes in your argument.
Re: Allison’s note… I’ve actually had the opposite experience! When I wanted nothing more than to have a boyfriend, and flirted constantly with WHOMEVER (anyone without a tail or a peg-leg…?)– I found that guys seemed totally disinterested, or were only fleetingly engaged. When I got over that though, and remembered the Me-and-God goodness (that turn-around is a long story)… And felt generally aloof to the male population– THAT’S when they all came-a-callin’. And the story goes on from there…
Humans are such bizarre creatures, aren’t we?
yeah. i’m so bizarre that i’m commenting on a stranger’s blog twice in one day. but i talk to two year olds all day about animal noises and the colors of the rainbow, so…it was hard to resist today.
my life experiences seem to be the opposite, polar opposite, of yours. but that’s ok. because we’re all saying the same thing…Jesus is the best.
i have many thoughts, but right now, all i can think about is how you used the word “choad” in a song.
I think one very interesting part of this section is that you mentioned Ocean Spray cranberry sauce. My family eats that yummy goodness all year round – with me typically eating about half of it myself. It is the perfect ending to any meal.
I get your point about us girls obsessing over “hot” guys too much… And when I read this post, I understood that you were not necessarily talking about outer hotness. I think everyone – guys and girls – knows that there exists a hotness that cannot be defined by physical attractiveness. So don’t worry, your points are still well-made.
Thank you for this very timely section… I needed a good kick in the butt this morning.
And really, I don’t think you are pigeon-holing girls at all. The girls you are talking about are the ones who need to read your blog and get their behinds kicked, and the ones who don’t fit your description should just claim that and understand that there ARE plenty of girls out there who do. Ladies, don’t get so defensive!
Keep it up, Andy!
“Cranberry Gelatinous Cylinder” is the bomb.
Well done with the Juno reference. Remember Clarisworks? I think they were contemporaries…
Thanks for sharing your insights.
i had many o’ yucky feeling when i was dating and ended many o’ relationship. a major reason i married my wife was because she didn’t obsess and that gave me the freedom to be me. nice work andy!
Ok, this is kind of off the topic of guy/girl relationships, and I know Christmas is SO last year, but speaking of Black Friday and trampling people to death to buy crap we don’t need, here’s a great alternative to start thinking about for Christmas NEXT year (it may take some of us that long to warm up to the idea & even imagine it could be different): http://www.adventconspiracy.org/. Also, check out the Story of Stuff. It could change your life!
Oops! Story of Stuff: http://www.storyofstuff.com/