Jun 30 2012
One Dating Answer at a Time
We give up on things far too easily.
It’s popular these days for writers to encourage people not to give up on their dreams. I’m all for it. Trying to accomplish things that have a low likelihood of success requires all the encouragement you can get.
But there are other ways we give up on things.
Here’s a popular one. You’re having a disagreement with someone. You’re both growing increasingly frustrated and one of you says something outrageous, heavy with sarcasm. “Yeah, that’s right. I’m an idiot. I’ve ALWAYS been an idiot. I’ll always BE an idiot. I know you’ve thought that about me since you met me. Yeah, I get it.” That’s the sound of someone giving up. It’s saying, “I can’t think straight anymore so I’m going to say something so crooked it defies logic.” It’s giving up on trying to control your emotions and constructively solve a problem.
How about this, single people? How you feeling about marriage these days? Now that I’m into my 30s, here’s what it seems like (NOTE: this is a general theory, not a law. NO HATING!!!)
* I did this in MS Paint. That isn’t my real handwriting. My real handwriting isn’t much better, but better than a toddler’s.
For every year beyond 25, marriage seems less and less likely. That may not be the REALITY (statistically it’s not true – average marriage age is past 25) but that’s how it’s felt to me. Some of us less faith-filled singles start saying outrageous things like, “There’s no one out there. I’ve been out with tons of people. I’ve KNOWN thousands of people. I’m telling you, there’s no one out there for me.” We start sinking our own ship and poking holes in our kite. We think (or maybe just _I_ think), “Marriage has such a low likelihood of success. Half of couples divorce. Who knows how many are UNHAPPY but stay married. That’s not a life I want. Maybe staying single isn’t so bad.” The odds seem stacked against us.
If you’re a runner, you’re used to this feeling. “I can’t do it,” says some sad, resigning voice deep inside you as your body suffers on any given day from various types of fatigue (aerobic, muscular, joint, or mental).
One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.
_Unknown
Almost everything worthwhile in life requires us to push through pain. Sitting on a couch, wishing to be fit, never gave anyone a good body. If you give in to the voice that says, “I can’t do it,” you won’t. Period.
The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
_Proverbs 13:4
Hey bros out there… wanna get married? Don’t just wish. Stop saying outrageous things and sabotaging yourself. You’ll get nothing for it. Make something happen! But there’s probably gonna be pain. GOOD! Nobody rejoices over exercising with a walk to the refrigerator. But if you stand at the finish line of a marathon you’ll see runners cry their eyes out after they’ve slogged their way through 26.2 miles. Pain makes breakthroughs overwhelmingly awesome.
And for my other bros out there… DON’T wanna get married? I feel you. Truth be told, I don’t necessarily want to get married either. I generally like my life. BUT. I DO want to live the best life possible. What if that means getting married? It very well might! Because as I sit here on a Friday night, by myself, eating a bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Dumpling soup in my room and writing a post about dating, there’s a sneaking suspicion life could be better right now. Don’t gloss over this.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
_Proverbs 31:10-12
There’s value in awesome babes! They’re super hard to find but they bring GOOD, not harm. We fear marrying a lame girl who’ll take all our fun away. We think she’ll steal the value from us. Not so. The good ones make life better, not worse.
It’s been a year since I asked a girl out. That’s a LONG time for me. I’ve been sinking my own ship with outrageous statements of pessimism, giving myself complex excuses why not to ask anyone out. Maybe the end goal of dating isn’t just marriage but a better life. Let me admit: I don’t have a bunch of answers. And that’s the point. We give up on things far too easily. Stop all the speculating. If you don’t have an answer, find out! That’s what I’ll be doing when I ask out this girl simply because she goes to my church and I think she’s beautiful. I’ve said one word to her five times over the past four months: “Hi.”
I’m gonna add another four later today. “Wanna get some sushi?” One answer at a time.
UPDATE 6/30/2012 10:12PM
Just so no one thinks I’m only a talker, I asked ol girl out earlier today. Le sushi tomorrow night. Winky face.
You’re on a roll…another great post! I can relate to so much of this. Thanks, Andy!
Andy,
Way to go! When will this momentous proposal take place? Tomorrow???
I’ll be praying for you brother. I always had a man crush on you, you beautiful man! I can’t believe no ladies have melted before your deep pools called your eyes ;o)
You HAVE to tell me how it goes. I’ve been married 10 years and I need some new lines to woo my sweetie…!
Jason
Yeah, last night was wild. It was supposed to be; but, amidst the music, people, passion, and the gin and tonics, I was digesting something I read earlier, running around in the busy heat of the day. This something had immediately caught my attention, got me thinking. This something was written by a sometimes childhood playmate, sometimes tormenter, sometimes arch-enemy, competitor for top grade (think: math in 5th grade, bio blue in 10th, and then the Jesus vs. Buddha stand-off in humanities senior year), always next door neighbor—but friend, save the recent addition of the facebook definition, would have been a stretch. The digesting continued, from the 95 degrees of the afternoon, to the drama of the evening extending to the early hours of the morning, and even into my sleep.
So here is what I dreamt:
Imagine you are an airplane, the actual aircraft, or, metonymically, a passenger on a plane. Imagine you are both things at the same time. You encounter turbulence. The turbulence is your own private experience, your own personal neurosis, your issue. You are moving through the air, life, you have your own problems, challenges, whatever they are. Your life partner (in this case: awesome babe/lame girl) is the pilot of the plane. As the passenger on the plane, encountering turbulence, you start to ponder your mortality, you wonder how bad these bumps will get, your adrenals start pumping, you begin to ponder technology, the whole of civilization; you worry, you question why you agreed to do something so wild with your precious body in the first place (agree to put it in a metal flying ship, thousands of feet above the ground). And here is the slow, calm, nonchalant, supremely confident, infinitely comforting, voice of the pilot “We’re just encountering a little bit of turbulence as we reach our cruising height, here. Bumps in the road. I’m gonna go ahead and light the fasten seatbelt sign, as a precaution, but just relax, enjoy the flight, and I’ll get out of this in a jiffy.”
You are the airplane, you are the one doing the flying, but your partner, this small human, another passenger, really, can be a guide.
Yes, we must be the pilots of our own airships. So that aspect of the analogy is dangerous. I am responding here precisely to the “goodness” in the “wife of noble character,” and I don’t think I am overstating things when I say that this is the kind of goodness, the kind of hands-down trust and commitment where, just sometimes, when our airships encounter more turbulence than we were prepared for, we need help driving that thing. Our partner is the kind of person, should be the kind of person, who can use tact, grace, and patience, to help us steer.
During and after the divorce I did not want, I thought a lot about what both my x and I did wrong. The impossibility of my x-husband giving the kind of commitment I am talking about here is evidenced by his refusal to work through all of the problems, his decision to leave. Still, the experience gave me many clues about what that kind of love might look like, and here is the main thing: Remember my dream about being an airplane and its passenger. Now, imagine that the airplane and its passenger are your loved one, and imagine yourself as that supremely comforting voice.
We spend far too much time worrying more about how we are being loved than how we are loving. Far too much time thinking of what the other will give to us, or will take away from us, of our own vulnerability, our own preciousness and the fragility of our airships; and far too little time recognizing the work of the other. Such constant goodness is not a way of being, inherent in another person, but always an effort. The bringing of goodness into a relationship, whether a first date, a friendship, or a marriage, is a mutual exchange, a new place of meeting. Both parties venture from the center of themselves to an unknown area, with a center of its own. The new center shifts, just as our individual centers are constantly shifting, sometimes more towards you in your turbulence, sometimes more towards me, sometimes somewhere entirely different, frightening, strange, or magnificent. This woman is not only an awesome babe, she is sometimes also a lame girl. She will try very hard, all the days of her life, to make your life better, but she will sometimes, unintentionally, take away your fun. Once you find her, and once it is clear she wants to help your life to be good, in the way you want to help her life to be good, then the work has only just begun. Then, you will most likely encounter the urge to “give up on trying to control your emotions to constructively solve problems” more than you did when you only had your own aircraft to worry about. Then, the pushing through pain takes on an entirely new meaning, and leads to previously unimaginable breakthroughs.
But you want it anyway, and I suspect that urge arises more because you recognize that you have love to give, the energy and resources to make her life better, than anything else. I suspect you are seeking the togetherness of this mutual adventure, despite its potential perils, despite its entirely obscure and possibly painful risks, more than the simple addition of something good to your life.
Way to go. Thanks for putting this out there, Andy. Thanks for sharing, and bravely expressing your own vulnerability. Most of all, good luck!!