Jan 09 2009
Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out: Part 3
Here’s some stuff you might want to know:
Part 1
Part 2
We pick up today where we left yesterday. Guys love games.
It wasn’t until I was a senior in high school that I saw Apocalypse Now. Not to ruin the movie or anything, but the final words of the film are these: “The horror. The horror. The horror.“ Every time I hear those words, I think of Chuck E. Cheese.
Where a Kid Can Be a Kid
My mom and dad taught frugality to my brothers and me in a practical way. And in “frugality-friendly” families, birthdays are not celebrated at Disney World. They’re celebrated at Chuck E. Cheese. Before I go on, let me say – a mouse having a middle name is completely ridiculous. But, as a kid, Chuck E. Cheese was the bomb – a casino for kids. There was even “live” entertainment. Now my memory is sketchy on this, but let me tell you what I remember. At the Chuck E. Cheese by our house in Michigan, there were two big rooms – the game room and an additional eating room. In the additional eating room was a stage with a barn. About every 30 minutes, these robot-like animals would come out of the barn and start dancing and singing some weird junk about birthdays and being happy or something. Every time they came out, I wanted to take the mallet from Whack-A-Mole and hit them. “The horror. The horror. The horror.” In fact, if I knocked Chuck’s head right off his body, I think I would have been elated. That show put me in a terrible mood!
I Hate The Song “Working For the Weekend”
So there you are, girls. It’s Friday night. You’re feeling sassy – ready for a great time. Cute top? Check. Cute shoes? Check. Cute purse? Check. Cute guy? Not yet. But you’re working on it. Just like every other Friday night in recent memory. Yes, every Friday night is like your weekly trip to Chuck E. Cheese. You’re so optimistic! You show up to the party you’re attending with your girlfriends (who also go through this same routine every week). Dudes are there. It looks like fun! Skee Ball over there. Whack-A-Mole in the corner. Air Hockey in the center of the room. That basketball game that’s impossible to win. You’re running all over the place, talking with guys, laughing too loud to get one’s attention and then feeling sheepish because it may have been a bit too loud. And then at some point in the night, someplace in your heart, the Chuck E. Cheese show starts. All of a sudden your mood isn’t so perky. You’re looking around the room and imagining how much fun it would be to hit all these guys in the head with a mallet. The guys seem to be having a great time, oblivious to what’s going on inside you. Why can’t they see?
The truth is, at some level, we DO see. This is a broad statement, but most 20-something single girls are ready to date and ready to get married no questions asked. That’s just the way it is. Most 20-something guys are theoretically willing to date (sometimes – and only with various clauses and conditions) and very much reluctant to marry. There’s a massive disconnect. You’re ready to be serious. We’re scared of most things serious. Why? Because you’re seductresses. Oh, don’t pretend like you’re not. We’ve seen it in our old friends. One day they’re single and hilarious. The next day, they’re married and boring as baked beans.
Guys Aren’t Asking You Out Because…relationships take time.
Our theme is games, right? And no guy wants to leave games behind! We get in a relationship and that will take time. And time is a zero-sum game. Give time to girl equals take time from games. We want to watch sports, play video games, and have total freedom to do everything we want without consulting with anyone else. Yes, there is a boatload of selfishness tied up in this – we’ll talk about it tomorrow. But have you seen the new PS3 commercial? Watch it below. In 32 seconds, this captures the point I’m trying make. Just look at the guy’s reaction and the girl’s foreboding presence. There’s a reason this commercial got made – it’s a reflection of the reality of a guy’s mind as it relates to being in a relationship.
The one friend is all laughy laughy because when the movie’s over, he gets to go home. But the poor sap dating the girl? He’s stuck. And the expression on his face shows it. Guys dread the day this becomes reality.
Guys Aren’t Asking You Out Because…relationships take money.
A lot of us guys have a hard time taking life seriously. We want to, but it’s really hard. If we’re to get married, most of us want to provide for you. Oh, the complication! We look at your Facebook pictures. We see you on Christmas morning holding up your Coach purse, Louis Vuitton luggage, Chanel earrings, and sporting your new Uggs. You know what you see in those pictures? Happiness! Do you know what we see? Price tags. They’re invisible to you, but they’re there. And we’ve done some mental math. If we were married to you, we could have bought you all that stuff or spent the money on a brand new pony for our niece. And ponies aren’t cheap. We’re going to need to work many hours (or, preferably, win the lottery) to give you this lifestyle. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.
You faithfully watch House Hunters, Curb Appeal, and every other home show on TV, dreaming of your perfect not-quite-mansion that has marble everything. You subscribe to Real Simple which has a whole bunch of stuff in it that looks Real Expensive. There are articles with bins for everything. In fact, we’re pretty sure there was an article in there outlining how to organize your organizers.
Truthfully, some of us are intimidated by all this stuff. Many of us don’t have hot and sexy careers where money rains down on us like we’re really good pole dancers (who wants to see a guy pole dance anyway). It’s not that we don’t want to provide awesome things for a girl. We just don’t have the means to do so. And that’s discouraging to us. Some of us can barely find the money to put dinner on our table – especially those who’ve recently lost their jobs.
And, believe it or not, for as cold a caricature as I’ve painted of us, even if you’re not a material girl living in a material world, we have dreams FOR you. But in our game, not being able to provide this makes us feel like losers. The easiest way to avoid feeling like a loser is not to embrace the piece of the game that would make it a reality – you.
Guys Aren’t Asking You Out Because…relationships take emotional commitment.
The age-old bash on guys: we’re unable to commit. I want to give this a fresh spin with an illustration I think nearly all guys have experienced – both pre-relationship (before we’ve asked you out) and during the relationship. It’s called the Deal Or No Deal Syndrome.
Here’s the situation, girls. In this story, your name is Emily. You go to a party. On this particular night, you’ve brought 4 of your friends with you. You’ve talked to this guy a few times. It’s been pretty good and he seems interested in you. You’ve been doing all the right things to show you’re interested. Why isn’t asking you out? One possible reason: there’s a conversation taking place in his head. Here’s what a sample male internal monologue looks like as we meet your new friends (and, yes, I’ve personally done this):
- Wow, her friends are pretty hot.
- Well, 2 of them are hot
- Geez, that Jenny girl [one of your friends] has a great personality.
- And she has a great laugh
- She seems like more fun than Emily. And kind of hotter, too. In a weird way. She’s got cute ears.
Do you see it? We’re acting like a contestant on Deal Or No Deal. We’re making this a game. We KNOW you’re interested in us. We have you. Maybe you’re the $500,000 case. But we’re greedy. We think there’s a $1,000,000 case out there. We don’t know for sure, but we’re hoping. This Jenny friend of yours looks like she might be a $550,000 case – slightly better than you. It’s hard to tell, though. We were thinking about asking you out, but now we’re in Indecision Limbo Land (ILL).
We are in desperate need of the best. You might be it, but we’re not sure. At some point, you’re probably going to get traded for another case. You need to understand, girls – not all guys are this way, but in most instances where a guy does have DND Syndrome, you are not the problem. He is.
We make up all kinds of excuses why we can’t ask you out to avoid commitment. If we haven’t known you a long time, we say that we need to get to know you more before we ask. If we’ve known you a long time, we say that we can’t ask you out because if it doesn’t work, it will make things awkward. Both of these are true, but that doesn’t mean we ACTUALLY BELIEVE any of it!!! In too many cases, they’re just convenient excuses that sound reasonable but are smoke screens so we don’t have to make any commitment – even to a date.
Guys Aren’t Asking You Out Because…relationships take vision.
The boo-hoo story above about guys not making enough money made you feel bad for us, didn’t it? This won’t. There’s a flip side to the “relationships take money” coin. It’s called the “get a new life” coin. Too many of us guys have absolutely no vision for life. We’re stuck in jobs we hate – jobs that don’t pay enough money to raise a family – so we figure we’ll just forgo the whole family thing altogether for as long as possible. That’s just the practical side of things. But there’s more.
One of my favorite Proverbs is 20:5. “The purposes of a man’s [and woman’s] heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out” (brackets mine).
Ladies, you are mysterious! But we guys are just as mysterious! We BOTH have hearts of deep waters! The difference is that a girl will cry and not be able to explain why (her heart is deep). A guy won’t cry because he’s damned up the whole water system. We look at you and wonder, “She cried and can’t explain why? That’s weird.” It could just as easily be wondered, “He doesn’t cry and can’t explain why? That’s weird.” Why do girls cry a lot? Why do guys not cry? They’re both mysteries! Yes, there are answers and “a man of understanding draws them out.” But most of us are not these men.
Out of the reasons from yesterday and today as to why guys won’t ask you out, I think this particular issue of not having internal vision is the most damning for all of us. As guys, we’re unable to access the deep waters of our heart. It’s not fun to attempt it. It’s not perceived as particularly masculine either. As a result, most of us live a patterned life of rarely asking girls out and, when we do, making the same mistakes over and over again. We can’t explain why because we can’t access our hearts to understand why we act how we do. And if we’re NEVER able to explain why, guys and girls will continue to live in these weird doldrums of not dating or, when we do, having relationships – yes, even marriages – that tend toward the awkward. Why aren’t we asking you out? What in the world are we going to do when you say yes and want to have real conversations we’re not capable of having? Check, please!
Today’s Conclusion
So what are we going to do? Are you going to die alone, girls? Are we guys going to be playing video games with our lifelong single buddies when we’re in wheel chairs at the nursing home? Now that there’s some sense of the current state of things – the WHAT – you wonder: Why do we guys do all this? What’s going on in our hearts that causes it? And what’s the way out? The next two days will be about exactly that.
Here’s a link to Part 4.
Hi, so you don’t know me, but I stumbled upon your blog and am totally captivated by this series of posts… mainly because it is entertaining, and also because of my curiosity. Haha, who wouldn’t be when its about guy-girl relationships, right?
In any case, I have a couple questions, ideas, and responses to this post.
For one, why does marriage have to mean boring for guys (or girls for that matter, because I know many girls who think this way too)? If the idea of marriage is boring, it is simply because the person has not yet found the right woman – someone he can play with and have fun with too. Relationships don’t always have to be serious all the time. Fun is an obvious factor that NEEDS to be a part of any relationship. Otherwise, things just become overwhelming and yes, boring. In addition, in any relationship, the girl needs to give the guy the space he needs to go play games with his friends and just be a guy. If she’s not allowing this and valuing this time the guy needs, then she may not be the right one for you. Fight for this time, because you need it. And I’ll let you in on a little secret, women need time with the girls too. It goes both ways.
Ok, let’s talk about the money factor. First off, a girls focus shouldn’t be on what type of lifestyle a guy can provide, but whether the guy will be able to provide the love, respect and encouragement she needs in order to become everything she was created to be. This goes both ways too. So, really, its not about money at all. Money just messes everything up whenever it becomes important or becomes the focus of anything. However, I do understand a man’s internal desire to provide. Maybe that provision shouldn’t be in monetary terms though. Maybe is it should be weighed in love – and if it is, this may be an even more difficult idea for a man to wrestle with, but don’t let money ever become the focus. Its just not what we are here on earth for.
So, commitment
Guess what? Commitment is scary for girls too! And honestly, I’ve done the Deal or No Deal scenario in my head too – because I am looking for the $1,000,000 case! No one wants to settle. And we shouldn’t settle. It’s not about trading the inferior case in for a better one, its about finding the case that fits best… the right one.
Anyway, keep writing. Looking forward to what’s next.
Andy, I’m telling you. Seminar. Get your Power Point going…
@Deborah – I’ll let you know when I’ve secured a venue.
@Dawn – I’m with you on the stuff you write! It makes sense and is true. My aim up to this point has been almost a state of the union, past and present. None of this is perfect, I’m sure! Some of it probably isn’t even right. I’ve just been trying to show how/what a lot of guys feel. The next two parts will be WHY. Why do guys feel the way I’ve described? Or, in the context of your post, why do we feel relationships can’t be fun or are wrapped up in money?
Once we know WHY we believe this stuff, we can challenge those belief and start to look at adjusting them. It’s important because beliefs determine attitude and attitudes determine actions. In many cases, if we can impact our beliefs, we can impact our actions. Applied: If we think better about relationships, we’ll ask girls out more.
As I’ve written more about all this, my purpose has continued to solidify and I see it like this: the default for most single guys are these unconsciously-held beliefs that prevent us from asking girls out. I, Andy, hold a lot of these beliefs and I’ve been trying to get them out into actual concrete words so they’re not just a blob of vague feelings in my heart. What’s next is REPLACING these beliefs with better beliefs that more accurately reflect both reality and God’s truth. If I (and other guys) can do that, I think everyone is going to win!
@All – I appreciate everyone reading my blogs. Those who’ve commented get an extra gold star!
It’s really satisfying for me to get feedback – of any kind – on what I’ve written so thank you!!
This post made me angry. Not at you, Andy. Just at reality… if men indeed think the way that you present them.
Because first off, not all girls want Coach purses and Louis Vuitton luggage. That’s a huge generalization. I think Coach purses are heinous. Sorry to all of my friends who carry Coach purses. They’re fugly. I’d rather carry a plastic Safeway sack.
The “Deal or No Deal” example is perfect… and makes me so sad. Because I think that we are living in a generation that idealizes EVERYTHING – and people keep holding out for the possibility of something better, something more. And to be “shopped for” in the same way that a guy would price out, say, a TV, makes me feel super lame.
I have more to say, but it would get drawn out. I’ll end this by saying: sigh. I just want to be loved by a good man. Please tell me that there’s a happy ending to this series.
(Also, I laughed out loud, because no mouse should have a middle name…
)
These blogs have been extremely thought provoking. I’ve had a few thoughts I’m going to post on my own because of it.
So far, excellent. I wonder where we will turn (and when) to get the same story from the female perspective?
http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com/cartoons/326.png
Andy,
You’re writing is hilarious, articulate and did I mention hilarious? I am the queen of reflection and reading what I lovingly term, “Christian self-help books” so I have come across the ideas you present before, but you present them in such an entertaining way! I think what you write is not necessarily all-encompassing but is definitely true in a lot of cases! My main thought as I read your words is that at one point in time I would have been thoroughly upset with what you have written. Much like Annie reacted, I would have been upset by the thought that perhaps this is all true, and if that’s the case, what hope is there? Am I to be thought of as the sad ending to the story of a man? But what I am realizing is that we are all in control of only one person in this world…oneself. And I must live my life in a way that I am proud of, confident in and in a way that makes me joyful. If I am proud of who I am and am happy, I do not have to be threatened by the thought that a man might not want to date me, no matter what the reason. Even if I know a man has chosen to ask out someone else, maybe because he finds her more attractive, more interesting, or whatever the case may be, that does not shake me, because I know that I am valuable and am the best me I can be. Or if he chooses not to ask me out because he is not ready to give up all the things married men may (or may not) have to give up, I cannot get upset and take this personally. This isn’t a personal rejection, it’s about him not being ready. A classic case of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” When did that cease to become a legit reason? Let’s put it back on the legit reason list
Anyway, I have found what you wrote to be very entertaining, and at the same time, healing. Or I should say, I’ve been healed and therefore find your writing to be entertaining 
Thanks, Andy!
Noel
I echo your ‘sigh’ on this one, Annie.
I am eating up this whole series by the way, Andy. It’s gold.
I’ve been thinking about this all day and even woke up in the middle of the night pondering, still. After laughing at how ridiculous, strange and awkward courtship and dating can be these days and feeling pretty enlightened on the male perspective on dating, I couldn’t help but feel, disheartened. As though any courage I was holding onto in my dusty corners was sucked away by a top of the line Hoover.
I can’t help but want to pull myself out of the mix…pull the curtains and lock the door or stick to wine and cheese parties with my girlfriends
You say there is hope in the future posts, which I am looking forward to…I need to hear it! sigh..
hello there andy!
I don’t even have a blog though I’ve often thought of composing one myself. I am a good friend of Shannon (see above) who is a GEM by the way and also am well acquainted with miss annie p and have heard nothing but positive raves of her. It was Shannon who emailed me the link to your blog and I read all three posts in one sitting. I REALLY appreciate your honesty and especially your humility through out all of them. I do of course have things to add! (I’m only female after all
Tonight Andy Merrick, I was stood up for the very time in all my 25 years. It was not as disheartening as I always thought it would be seeing as how it was basically a blind date. HOWEVER, we had talked on the phone several times, laughed quite a bit, realized we had a lot in common, and I was looking forward to the meeting. He said he would call today so we could plan to meet up somewhere this evening. Well my phone rang, but it was never him- actually the calls were all from my wonderful friends wanting to see how it all turned out. It was pretty embarrassing to let them all know that it actually did NOT turn out. At all.
I was thinking about your blog as I drove home listening to inspiring Christian music trying not to cry by reminding myself that God is only good, He calls me Beloved, and if this wasn’t meant to be by Him than I most definitely didn’t want it either. But again (to remind you) I’m female- So I cried and drove to my empty parents house where I will sleep tonight. Pathetic? You betcha. But also very honest.
What got me thinking about your blog was the hope I put in you males. I know that there are crazy girls out there who give us a bad rep, just as much as there are Jerk guys out there who make us girls want to scatter to the winds. But PLEASE tell all your friends- all your MALE friends, that like Annie said above, not all of us are spending our time looking for Coach purses or even La Mer lotion ( I VERY HONESTLY had to ask someone last night what La Mer lotion is- sounds expensive). A good portion of girls I know spend their time hiking, journaling, drinking good wine with good friends, and even convincing each other that there are most definitely strong men out there who follow God and will treat our hearts tenderly. We don’t all want husbands right this second- but we do all want to be respected as daughters of God. And maybe if guys put a little hope in us- if they continued to get to know us despite our hotter friends, to remember that we are almost never thinking of games when you guys come around, maybe we could actually…………date.
I am very much looking forward to your next posts. THANK YOU for taking the time to write out your thoughts! What a ministry.
~Courtney
Came across your series through my friend Allie, Dearest’s latest blog post… Thanks so much for the insights. I think most of us females basically know these things about males and why they’re not asking us out, but it’s very nice to have one of you confirm that we’re not crazy and making up these reasons in our heads to console ourselves.
If you plan to continue this series, can you please give us some ideas as to how we girls can avoid becoming completely cynical and dejected about this situation? And how we can keep from demonizing guys? We don’t want to… but it becomes harder and harder not to as the years go by.
Also, do you have anything to add on the theory of the guy “switch” that just gets flipped one day? Most of my girl friends and I believe in the idea that guys, for all your reasons above, are not going to commit to any girl until out of the blue one day, a switch gets flipped on inside of them. As far as I can see, nothing in the world a girl can do can flip that switch in a guy – it is an inexplicable phenomenon to me. But when the switch IS flipped, you’d better believe there’s nothing in the world that will stop a guy from getting the girl he wants (or the first decent one that comes along). I’m just wondering… does that ring true from a guy’s perspective, or am I making things up?
Hopeful you’ll clear this up for me,
j-woo
I found your blog through a friend of a friend. I just wanted to tell you I’m finding this series fascinating. I agree that its definitely seminar worthy
Can’t wait for 4 and 5!
Hi there! You don’t know me either, but I just wanted to also echo that your blog has indeed been insightful and humorous! Looking forward to this now 5 part series! I am passing the info onto friends!
Thanks!
Hi Andy! So here I am writing, “Why You’re NOT Being Asked Out” from a girl’s view and you are writing from a guys. My friend told me about your blog and as I sit here and read it in Starbucks I think we need to put our brains together! I am just starting…I have pages of notes and an equal amount of pages of doodles, but I will have to send something over when I finish. Great writing! Make it a 10 part series!
You don’t know me either. I found you blog through Annie Parsons.
There is such wisdom and incredible perception in this series. Awesome.
I think that a kind of “Sum Total” result of these things that are going on in us guys (Often a number if not all of the above mentioned reasons can happen simultaniously), is old-fashioned FEAR. I’ll admit it. I haven’t asked perfectly wonderful girls out, girls who could very well have said “Yes”, because I was a coward and was fearful that she would see the things I don’t like about myself and say “No”.
Some guys get a thrill from the “hunt” and are not bothered by a denial, but others really want her to agree to go out, and being shot down really sucks.
Very good….on to the next —->
A girlfriend just forwarded a link to this series today and I have to say, this is my absolute favorite part. I could never quite articulate the “whack-a-mole” feeling when I’m out at Christian ‘singles’ gatherings, but it’s always there…
Hilarious Andy. I hope you continue writing (about anything). Your humor and insight are a blessing!
I have not read all of your post on this subject yet, but so far I have found everything amazingly put. And also in my family Chuck E Cheese where were we spent our birthday’s as well. You bought back many memories of those animals coming out and singing and dancing to us. They scared me, not gonna lie. haha!
Take care.
SOP.
Andy–Long time no talk!
I stumbled upon this series because my facebook newsfeed told me that Jeff had posted on your wall about said blog (after I had continually refreshed between home and my profile to see if anything interesting had happened recently). I’m in the middle of the series, but had to comment. I love it so far!
To start, Hilarious because I went to a wine and cheese party last night with 3 other single Christian girls. We had a glass tray with cheese and malbec/white zin (no reisling…). wow. I guess you pinpointed my life.
Next-I keep laughing and nodding because so much of this is true. Like others–some aspects hurt. Your writing is poignant and insightful.
So thank you. On to reading the rest…
“Oh, the complication!” Pretty awesome.
Andy,
To be honest I usually have a favorite book that I read before I go to bed, but since I started reading your series it’s like a great book that I can’t put down. It’s 1:30am and I am having a hard time trying to figure out at what part in the series I am going to shut my laptop and go to bed.
I just wanted to let you know that I am really enjoying the series and it is very insightful to a guy’s heart and mind. It’s very humorus at times and also cuts like a knife to know that we are subject to the Deal or No Deal theory. Honest, I like that. On to the next part.
Mel
I’m not done reading yet, but my friend Ashley sent me over… and just wanted to say … I’m loving it. You definately keep me laughing! I’ll read on…
hey, pssst: I am the 1,000,001.00 case. don’t blow it, dude.
Andy,
You’re humility is admirable. I’m inspired by your openness to express and to learn. As a different guy, i’d like to comment on some ideas expressed. Yes, I have found myself unsure about the “girl” that is right before me, and have noticed others at the same time; and yes, there will always be another girl that is better looking. One thing that I have noticed though is that my affections have been won over by a girl that isn’t a 10 at first glance. This ought to give some hope. If the girl still remains fun, encouraging, a friend, real, confident (which comes from God), and there is enough of an attraction there, then there is a substance that far outweighs a hot-chick (I’ve dated “hot” and i’ve come to agree that beauty is fading…). I have found myself wanting to be with this particular type of girl more than the “10″ that is not willing (or unable) to interact with me on that level. Another thing is, not all guys are scared of commitment; infact I find it hard to believe any guy is afraid if he is down right stoked on the girl. I truly think that the only time the guy is afraid is when he is not able to have fun with her, relate to her, and/or not be attracted enough to her. I look forward to reading the next. Maybe you’ll address this, or disagree. In any event — keep up the good work!