Last Day
In case you missed it, here is a link to Part 1.

Race Day
This past September, my brothers and I participated in the inaugural Nashville Oyster Race. It was like Amazing Race through the city of Nashville. It was totally outstanding. For the third leg of the race, we headed out to a park by bike – my bros on mountain bikes and me on my road bike. We came up on some railroad tracks and there was a huge gap between the rail and the concrete. It’s hard to explain, but about one second before my tire went over the track, I knew I was hosed. Road bike tires are thin and I could tell the gap was too wide. My tire was going to pop if I ran over the gap. I yelled some stuff before my bike crossed over the track (“some stuff” being a swear word), pulling up on my handlebars to do a wheelie so my front tire wouldn’t go over the tracks. We were moving too fast for me to pop my rear tire up. It slammed the gap hard. I yelled some other stuff (also a swear word). One of my brothers asked, “You ok?” I rode for about two seconds and was elated, “Yeah, I think I’m cool.” Another two seconds went by and my rear tire started snaking back and forth. I was slowing down. I’d blown a tire. Let me tell you that there is little else as frustrating as being in a race and having a flat tire. My rear wheel had hit so hard that the tube had blown and the wheel rim was bent. It took us 45 minutes to repair the flat and get back on our way.

Glory Day
You just met a guy. He’s great looking and….well, he’s great looking. You could look at him all day. You want to get to know him. And then it happens. He talks to you. Time practically stops. You go home and Google stalk him, convincing yourself it’s not creepy because everyone else does it. (Note: They actually do, so you’re ok. Well, at least _I_ do…so you’re ok in my book). Then you get on Facebook to check out his profile since you both live in the same town. But. Wait. It SAYS he’s part of your city’s network but he’s got a private profile anyway. DANGIT!!!! Sigh. Oh well. The first few “flirt days” with a new friend are great. Just as my brothers and I had been flying through the streets of Nashville with happiness, you are excited!

Oh, but the tracks! Days go by. He’s not making a move. You see him for the 7th time and he doesn’t ask you out. You call emergency meetings with your girlfriends. All hands on deck. You inquire, ”What does it mean if we were talking and all of a sudden he touched his nose three times in rapid succession?” The jury of your friends convenes and the verdict is in. It means he’s not interested in you. How you’ve come up with this conclusion defies any known standard of logic, but you’re sure. Sister, your bike wheel just slammed into a wide rail gap. You’ve got a flat and it really stinks!

You like him so much. Why won’t he ask you out? You’re so curious. If you could just look into his heart. Why isn’t he interested? Your answers tend toward the negative: you’re too fat, you’re too ugly, you’re too dorky. I’m here to tell you: No. That’s not it. Don’t get me wrong – some of you girls have some real problems. Let’s put all the cards on the table. Some actually DO scare guys away. But for the large majority, I am becoming convinced that the root of many girls’ loneliness is the result of rampant immaturity in guys. I, sadly, include myself in this group. In order for us to have any hope for change, we have to understand what needs to change. What do things look like today? That is what today’s and tomorrow’s posts are about.

Communication
Most guys have trouble communicating their feelings. This is problematic. He knows he likes you, but for some reason, he can’t communicate it. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow.

Also, most guys have a difficult time communicating with themselves. This is worse than the previous paragraph. It sounds crazy, but it’s not. Communicating with themselves? What this means is that the guy isn’t capable of knowing how he feels about you. And if he doesn’t know how he feels, why would he ever ask you out? We have to be convinced of something to take action, but we’re not convinced, so we don’t take action.

In Christian circles, this inability to communicate with self results in the spiritualizing of relationships. A guy will pray, “God, show me if she’s the right one for me.” I’m not ruling out such a thing! Abraham’s servant, Eleazar, found Rebekah for Isaac in this way (Genesis 24). But contrast that with the words of Paul, “If [a man] feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. [He] should get married.” (1 Corinthians 7:36). Paul places marriage as a decision to be made by the man (and woman, of course). In the 21st century, it is a decision more and more men are choosing not to make.

My theologically inclined brothers will say, “Ah, but look a few verses earlier, Andy, and you will see why I am single.” And so I will. “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). So I will ask the guy who stands on this verse, “Exactly what are you doing for the Lord right now that you couldn’t do if you were married?” Some guys have a legitimate response. I, on the other hand, do not. And why do I bring MYSELF into this? It’s because _I_ am one of the guys who spiritualizes relationships. When guys spiritualize relationships such that God becomes responsible for their lack of love life, we’re all in trouble. We end up with half a generation of lonely ladies. Paul makes it clear that God expects us to make a conscious choice about marriage. And because marriage is preceded by dating, I bring it up.

Games
Guys compete all the time. Everything is a game. That’s widely known. Here’s an experiment I urge you girls to try the next time you’re with a group of guys. Don’t tell anyone what you’re doing. Take 200 animal crackers. Throw them all on the floor in the midst of the guys. I can almost guarantee that 75% of the guys will get on their hands and knees in a frenzy to pick up the most crackers. At first they’ll be hesitant and look around to see if anyone else is going dive on the floor, but it’s only a matter of time before these three outcomes are sure: someone will end up bleeding, one guy will try to “strip” the other guys of their crackers by slapping at their hands to induce a cracker fumble, and there will be an argument about who the winner is. It doesn’t make a difference if the guys are 13 or 30.

Unfortunately, our desire to win games gets transferred into our relationships with you. Seven months ago, I wrote earnestly about the personal mistakes I’ve made in the run up to a relationship, usually characterized by some form of a game.

It’s been stated lots of ways by lots of people. Too many of us guys will flirt with you until we know you’re interested but we have no idea what to do next. We know we don’t want to marry you, so we dump you (whether or not we’ve “officially” started dating). We weren’t interested in you as much as winning you (like a game). Variations of this game run from the benign of winning you over emotionally through flirting all the way to the malignant one-night stand. The result is the same, regardless of the game: you end up feeling terrible and, believe it or not, most of us do, too.

I mention the theme of games, not because it’s novel, but because it sets the stage for tomorrow. You’ll see.

Today’s Conclusion
Today is kind of bleak, huh? Tomorrow is more bleakness. But Friday and Saturday (this is now a 5-part series) are really hopeful. It’s still my desire that this helps girls understand guys. And I hope it helps us guys understand ourselves better, if even in the tiniest way!

Here’s the link to Part 3.

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