Jan 06 2009

Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out: Part 1

Published by at 11:00 pm under Relationships

Girls, you’re dying to know, aren’t you? Why don’t more guys ask you out? Are you not pretty enough? Are you not cool enough? Do you not wear the right clothes?

The whole subject is super complicated. I don’t claim that what I’m about to say in this series is either exhaustive or, come to think of it, necessarily right. I’m writing here for my own sake, for my friends, and maybe even for you – to understand what in the world is going on with guys these days.

All the Single Ladies
I can see it, ladies. You’re all together at someone’s house on a Saturday night. You’ve all put on dresses and you’re sipping the finest Riesling you can afford with a smattering of imported cheeses laid out on a serving dish that costs too much but looks fabulous. You’re giggling and talking about all kinds of girl things like lunges, nutrition, and how you’d buy some La Mer lotion if you could afford it. Oh, but something is missing. Everyone knows it, but no one really says it. Glorious testosterone is absent from your party. Yes, there is another party happening across town.

Dudes Night Out
About 8 miles away, a group of dudes pack into a living room with a big screen TV that is turned up way too loud and showing a sporting event. There’s a bunch of junk food, beer with names no one can pronounce, and a raucous atmosphere characterized by excessive laughing, back slapping, and occasional bowel movements that repulse the entire room. Oh, but something is missing. Everyone knows it, but no one really says it. Glorious estrogen is absent from the party.

Back at the girls party, someone eventually says, “I wonder what the guys are doing tonight.” Wild theories and speculation abound with hasty generalizations about our gross-ness that elicit laughter and disgust simultaneously. Then someone says, “I bet they’re talking about us.”

The High Life
And you’re absolutely right. We’re being gross and we’re talking about you. Not all night, but at a certain point – usually about 60-90 minutes in to the evening – someone brings one of you girls up. The next 15-30 minutes are spent talking about you. Some guy will be bold enough to say, usually out of the blue, “Oh, man, I think [fill in the blank of a girl’s name] is hot.”

This statement serves one of two purposes. The speaker is either making a general observation or laying claim to the girl. The difference can be deduced in the volume of praise the speaker does or does not give the girl. If it’s a general observation, the original speaker will simply make his statement and let it go. An informal vote pours in from around the room, confirming or negating the original observation:  “Yeah she is!”, “No doubt”, “She’s fine, homes”, “I don’t think she’s all that”, or “Gross!”

However, if the guy repeatedly states the girl’s hotness and/or talks about her at length AND has a reasonable shot at going out with her, his proclamation roughly establishes an agreement with everyone present that he has dibs. Without actually saying it, he’s basically said, “Listen up, no one else in here is allowed to like her. She’s mine.”

If another guy desires to make a play at the girl within some reasonable period of time (usually 2 months, though more if the guy is sensitive), he must get permission from the guy who made the initial claim. This agreement, dubbed by me as a gentleman’s agreement in its truest form, is only binding to those present at the party. For such an informal structure, it is surprisingly rigid. Anyone who breaks the protocol is subject to being excluded from future get-togethers or ostracized completely from the group. I’ve seen this happen in real life.

Two-Way Street
Now before you get upset, ladies, it should be noted that the gentleman’s agreement is a distant cousin to your own agreement – the girls’ pact – a mechanism designed by girls to actually forbid the dating of ANY guys. That is a topic beyond the scope of this post.

The End of the Discussion
After we’ve admired girls’ looks, someone else says, “Dude, the other day [fill in the blank of a girl’s name] did the most annoying thing.” He then tells a story that really IS annoying and everyone else thinks, “I don’t want to date her.” If, by chance, you [a guy] had a thing for her before, she loses 10 points. And you’re not really sure how many points she had before, but losing points is bad.

This goes on for 15-30 minutes until the game we’re watching has an incredible play and everyone yells really loud or we run out of things to say and start wrestling. Not really. We’re meatheads, but very few parties contain any form of wrestling.

What would surprise you, girls, is that many of you are talked about positively. Many of you are called cute. Most of you are well-liked. So what gives? Why aren’t guys asking you out? I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve been working on condensing some explanation into a (hopefully) useful, semi-compact form where there’s some structure that will lend itself to a discussion and/or further examination/clarification.

The End of This Post
For as jokey as this is, I want to understand our lives better. That’s what I’m after. It is really my hope that this series will help all of us single people start looking at relationships a little differently. Maybe just a super-small-sliver differently – to build momentum and new thought categories to a new way of relationships. If that fails, I’ll at least try to be funny.

It’s going to take a number of posts to explain all this, though. I’m like a crappy local news broadcast: “Want to know why guys aren’t asking you out? Tune in tomorrow.” I can tell you this – it has nothing to do with the guy who is laying claim to you. It’s much deeper than that!

Here’s the link to Part 2.

26 responses so far

26 Responses to “Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out: Part 1”

  1. Annie Parsonson 07 Jan 2009 at 9:39 am

    Andy. This is amazing. I laughed, I cried, I cringed…

    First off, guys don’t wrestle at “guy parties”? Fair enough. Girls don’t have pillow fights in their underwear.

    Girls drinking Riesling? Talking about lunges? The “girls’ pact”? Well… what can I say… all true. All… very true. :)


    I feel it necessary to say that last night, Julie, Mel, and I sat in front of OUR big-screen TV, and Julie made farting noises on her bicep and ATE A FLOWER for a Facebook video, and we were wearing our grody sweats. Yes, we talked about guys (although there was no “girls’ pact”) – but we were more concerned with my case of possible shingles and where to put our spatulas in the kitchen.

    Just presenting a real-life example of our Tuesday night reality. :)

    I’m excited for whatever you’ve got next… this is going to be good, I know it. I love your blog!

  2. Jodieon 07 Jan 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Hey there. Annie sent me over – sort of. She sent everyone over. I just followed her instructions because I think she’s cool. :)

    This is really great. Hilarious, even. I’m so glad to not be part of that “rat race” anymore, now that I’m a “married grown-up with kids and everything”. There are things about it that are fun though… like reading about it. :) I look forward to the next two installments–and I’ll be bookmarking you b/c I like your style. I’m glad Annie gave you some props, because now I get to read you too!

  3. Annie Choon 07 Jan 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Ha, thank you Andy for this! I look forward to your insight to the anomaly that I refer to as “man-guy.”

    FYI: I have guy friends who will spontaneously begin to wrestle, grope each other or play “crotchball” when together in the same room for more than an hour… An explanation for this would be wondrous!

  4. Allie, Deareston 07 Jan 2009 at 2:04 pm

    The girls’ pact?! That’s horrible & probably true.

  5. annieon 07 Jan 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Annie P. sent me over, too. This sounds like an excellent series! Very funny and true. Love your writing style. Will be back.

  6. Deborah Barnetton 08 Jan 2009 at 1:28 am

    Andy… thanks for the note on my blog… glad you enjoyed it. Your post here is awesome… I can’t wait for the next 2 installments. Nice writing… and thanks for the incites. There may be a seminar in your future…

  7. Gabie Deniseon 14 Jan 2009 at 3:36 pm

    This is funny….and true (from what I know anyway) I can not wait to read part deux!

  8. Jessicaon 15 Jan 2009 at 11:52 pm

    This is incredible. I literally laughed out loud. Can’t wait to read more!

  9. Eric Corpuson 18 Jan 2009 at 7:52 am

    Got here through Annie Blogs. I’m looking forward to the next post (no pressure or anything). Miraculously, I’m taken, but always looking for tidbits of wisdom to impart on the currently untaken.

  10. […] With the help of my lovely friend CarrieBeth James, I stumbled upon a very interesting blog. A guy from Nashville wrote a 6 part blog series entitled “Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out“ […]

  11. BBon 19 Jan 2009 at 10:52 pm

    andy . . .i’m a guy and married. can i keep reading or is that off limits?


  12. Andyon 19 Jan 2009 at 11:21 pm

    BEN! If you DON’T keep reading, I am going to come out there and give you a nougy until your head falls off.


    I want MORE guys to read, Ben. Or maybe more guys to COMMENT – as to whether or not they agree with me about what I’m saying! So, yes, read! And then comment!

    Or else it’s nougy time!

  13. Sarahon 20 Jan 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Funny stuff!
    And, I always wondered how to spell nougy.

  14. angieon 20 Jan 2009 at 2:12 pm

    oh, i totally think that’s wrong. I think it’s ‘noogie’ … and i know about things like this.

    spelling, not noogies.

  15. Andyon 20 Jan 2009 at 2:37 pm


  16. Matt E.on 26 Jan 2009 at 9:11 pm

    “lunges.” pretty awesome.

  17. Melissa Payneon 29 Jan 2009 at 12:49 am

    Andy I love it! This is hillarious and so true on many levels. It is good to get a guys perspective on these kinds of things. I will be reading more!

  18. […] Andy has a wonderful series about “Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out” which is a must read over on his […]

  19. Rob Dollarson 05 Feb 2009 at 2:11 pm

    This blog is complete bull crap…

    …there is ALWAYS wrestling at guy parties.

  20. Andyon 05 Feb 2009 at 2:14 pm

    legitimate LOL.

  21. Megon 12 Mar 2009 at 3:30 pm

    this is fun! and it’s dark chocolate…not cheese 😛

  22. from way back in your Cornerstone dayson 09 May 2009 at 10:50 am

    Holy Crap Andy! You’re smart…why didn’t we date in college???


  23. Blairon 15 Jul 2009 at 3:05 pm


    What a gem of a blog!! I came across your website via a friend’s facebook post… and I am totally hooked on this series! It’s amazingly true and funny and just plain old great reading!!

    In other news, I have decided to do the obvious: counter your series about guys with one of my own about girls. Feel free to check it out anytime at http://ohthethingsyoulearn.blogspot.com. I’d love for you to chime in on the flipside! Thanks again for the laughs!

    In His Grip,

  24. Linky Love «on 18 Jul 2009 at 7:56 pm

    […] it’s all the weddings?!?) and with the suggestion from a friend, I’ve been reading this series  entitled “Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out” from nashville blogger Andy Merrick. […]

  25. Seth Aguilaron 03 Aug 2010 at 10:53 pm

    Great insight and very funny; although, I am asking myself why (in my particular case) the “dibs” haven’t worked out for me in my surrounding pack of hyenas/friends, lol.

  26. Joy Eggerichson 16 Dec 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Well done. Although I’d take an IPA over a Riesling any day.

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