“How are you doing?” The innocuous, yet 100% dreaded question. The more I hang out with people, the more I hate this question. The reason is simple. Your answer is almost impossible to get right. Generally, you have three options and attendant emotions in answering the question.

Tell The Truth – Feel Bad For Feeling Good. You’re doing great. So you tell everyone how awesome things are. You just got a new car after your company promoted you to a great management position that includes a corner office. You just started dating this incredible guy or girl. Problem is, you have this nagging feeling inside because you know most people are struggling through life and, generally, have a twinge (if not entire truck load) of unhappiness. Your braggadocious rundown of your great life now weighs heavy as you near the end of your talking time and you’re poised and obligated to reciprocate the question: “How are YOU doing?” You almost hold your breath. Maybe you shouldn’t have said so much. You now feel bad for feeling so good.

Tell The Truth – Feel Bad For Feeling Bad. If some peoples lives look like a Ferrari, yours looks like a burned-out Yugo. The wheels have fallen off and scorched metal abounds. You are a total mess. And you value honesty, so you tell the how-are-you questioner about it all. And toward the end, it strikes you, “Oh my gosh! I’m one of THOSE people who goes on and on about how terrible my life is.” So you feel bad for feeling bad.

Don’t Tell the Truth – Feel Bad For Lying. Life is terrible and you know it. Last night, you stood in the kitchen, looking out the window, and said out loud to yourself, “I hate my life so much!” You can’t stand your job. You feel like a slob. You wish you were dating someone great (or someone period). A few of your friends are driving you crazy. Generally, you feel depressed. But now that someone has asked the magic question, it’s not the time for sad stories. You rally every bit of excitement you can find and nonchalantly, though confidently, assert, “Man, things are great.” You pause slightly in search of some vague language and superlatives that will make you sound convincing. The reality is stated in brackets. “Yeah, work is going well [I would quit today if I could]. I’ve been working out a bit [3 months ago]. I’m pretty happy being single [you loathe it]. I really don’t know how things could be any better [I really don't know how I just told such an outright lie].” So then you feel bad for lying.

For close friends, you always feel comfortable sharing anything and everything. I’m mainly talking here about people that aren’t super close to you – like 95% of people. It’s kind of funny (or not) that any way you answer will leave you feeling bad (or awkward).

For most of us, when we get asked this question, we don’t really know how we’re doing because we’re not good at talking to ourselves. Not like a someone ready for a psych ward, but someone who asks their heart, “What’s going on in there?” Girls, I think, are especially good at asking this question of OTHER PEOPLE, though often not themselves. The question most guys dread from a girl: “What are you thinking?” The girl wants to know what’s going on in our heart.

Here’s what I advocate in 2009 for myself and maybe even you. Our lives can roughly be broken out into the following areas:

• Professional (job, ongoing learning, etc)
• Spiritual
• Physical (nutrition, exercise, sleep, etc)
• Financial (savings, investment, etc)
• Relational (friends, significant other/marriage, kids, etc)
• Personal growth/goals

Once a week, set aside time to brainstorm as much stuff as you can that’s happened in each category. What I’ve been doing is writing down a list of bullet points in each category. This serves a few purposes:

1. From these bullet points, you can have a quick answer to the question: “How are you doing?” (or its accompanying question-friend, “What have you been up to?”). If you’ve thought about it, you already know how to answer.
2. Using bullet points keeps the amount of time you spend on the activity fairly small. Don’t get wordy if you don’t want to. Just get the point across. Take 5 minutes sometime today and just bust out a quick list.
3. Kill 20 birds with 1 stone. In any given week, a lot of online friends ask how you’re doing. These questions from acquaintances either get ignored because you don’t have time to get to them all or you answer them all in the same way (kind of inefficient). Use your blog (or get one at www.wordpress.com or www.blogspot.com) and write your bullet list up there and then point people to it when they ask.
4. Much more than having an answer, there’s something about seeing your life boiled down to a few bullet points that can be either satisfying or sad. It’s an opportunity to ask deeper questions like, “Is this what I want my life to be about?” It’s incredible how quickly you can realize WHY you feel bad when you write things down.

Going through this process for the last few months (since mid-2008) has shown me that I’m not particularly happy with how my life is turning out. And truthfully, the list has been the fuel I needed to start making changes. The key for me has been making a SECOND list that contains my IDEAL LIFE in the categories listed above. Look at your life today vs. what you WANT it to be. Then take small steps to close the gap.

Here is something that has been totally unexpected to me — I started pursuing certain things I thought would make me happy and they didn’t. So I’ve scratched those things off and brainstormed more and come up with a clearer picture of what I want my life to be like. And that has been incredibly scary to me. To realize your long-held dreams aren’t what you really want throws you into a whole new undiscovered space in your heart and in this life.

Too often our answer to the question, “How are you doing?” is framed to impress people. Quite honestly, who cares what they think? The real question is this: What do YOU think of your life? Find out instead of just having vague feelings!! The next time you stand in the dark of your kitchen, looking out the window, watching the rain fall, and feeling terrible about your life, ask WHY. What weighs on your heart? Bullet list things in the categories above and you may find out.

If you make a list, feel free to share it here as a comment. I’m cheering for all of you!!!

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