Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Jul 29 2013

Go Get Em Vol 3

Published by under Humor

Here are some things I thought about this week…

I know the chicken at McDonald’s isn’t 100% real chicken and the beef at Taco Bell isn’t real beef. And it may not be healthy. But can we all agree it still tastes delicious?

I’m an honest person. But sometimes I don’t live like it. I’ve decided I’m going to tell people why I was ACTUALLY late to things. Instead of saying, “I got stuck in traffic” (traffic being one light that stayed red for a little longer than it normally does, allowing me to justify saying I was stuck – because I was), I’ll say things like, “Sorry I’m late. I thought it was more important to get on Google and figure out if Abraham Lincoln liked oatmeal.”

Sleeping on the couch is a great idea. Until you wake up the next morning and your back tells you it was a bad idea.

Spiders couldn’t be more disgusting if they tried.

Whoever invented Panda Express should be drug out in the street… And have a parade thrown in their honor.

It’s almost that time of year again – when football coaches remind us that Dockers still aren’t that fashionable. And still shouldn’t be worn with tennis shoes.

So far in my life, I’ve backed my car into a picnic table and a parked car. Actually, to be more specific about the parked car – I backed my mom’s car into my brother’s car.

UPDATE (7/29/2013 12:02PM)
It took less than 12 hours after writing this for me to back into something else…
73517_10101195626022738_1153180068_n

It’s a perfect day to plan your abduction of tomorrow…

There is nothing new, only different. The future is to those who take it. Nothing is easy, and the best things are the hardest.
_C2C – Le Banquet

Go Get Em!!!

5 responses so far

Jul 22 2013

Go Get Em v2 (A Monday Lift)

Published by under Humor

Here are some things I thought about this past week…

Mixed martial arts is intense. I thought about doing it but then decided participating in mixed CULINARY arts sounded better – burgers, brats, and braised duck.

It’s a really good thing I’m not lactose intolerant because rice milk tastes disgusting.

I’m commissioning a study on how many cookies a human being can eat. Contact me for info on where cookies can be sent. Do it for science.

If someone says their event is once-in-a-lifetime, there better be koala bears jumping on trampolines or else they’re just being ridiculous. I know you did this event last year. And you’re going to do it again next year. Instead of making me hate you for using hyperbole, just be honest (and funny) and say it’s a once-in-a-year event.

A fully-charged phone is like comfort medicine. A phone below 20% battery life gives a dull feeling of constant panic.

Looking through girls’ photos in online dating profiles has caused me to wonder only one thing: do they practice different ways to hold their hand on their hips in the mirror?

I drank a Coke Zero this weekend – which is an aptly-named drink because I got zero enjoyment from drinking it. I can’t stop thinking that pop might be cancer juice. And I’m not down with that. Pop is like the new smoking. People THINK it might be killing us, but we’re not too sure. I think I’ll pass.

The thing that’s confusing to me is why feet have to be in every pool picture.

Today is a day made for you to be great. So try your best and, even if you’re down, find one thing to really enjoy!

4 responses so far

Jan 28 2009

Win-Lose-Lose: A Real-Life Poem

Published by under Humor,Poems

Win-Lose-Lose: A Real-Life Poem
by andy merrick

Saw you standing on a grassy knoll
Hands in your pockets now on patrol
Through a parking lot I strolled
Departing Panera, ready to roll
Friend spoke up and greeted you
“Hello,” you replied, not to be rude
“Hey man,” I said, in a happy mood
My friend giggled, I hadn’t a clue
“Why are you laughing?” I asked anew
She said, “That’s a lady, not a dude.”

———————————————

1. Yes, this actually happened to me.
2. ESPN has this thing called an Instant Classic – when two teams have an epic game that everyone should see, they’ll replay it again the very next day on ESPN Classic. In some kind of cosmic poetry conspiracy, my friend Annie also wrote a poem today that is a Blogging Instant Classic (BIC). I highly commend it! You will be enjoying!

2 responses so far

Jan 13 2009

Saved by the iPhone

Published by under Humor

The last week on this blog has been very fun for me. I’ve been thinking and talking and writing a lot about relationships. Everyone who has read and commented has been a real encouragement! And I mean that! It’s been a very big bright spot in my day to get comments and emails from you!

Tonight, I stood in front of my favorite thinking place – my whiteboard – for a couple hours. For all my obsession with computers, going offline is still my best bet for getting deep thinking done. Here’s what my board looks like right now (really small because it contains pieces of Parts 5-7 of the series and I don’t want to give anything away early). This is what my ideas look like before they get into words on a screen.

brainstorm-board

As I was thinking about Part 5 today and this evening, I realized that I have way too much to complete in one day. Additionally, I’m not exactly sure how to put the pieces together. So I’m taking a break from writing the series tonight. How do you benefit? Well, first, I’m going to tell you a little story instead. Second, as I alluded to above, I’m fairly certain this series is going to be 7 parts now. I plan to continue it by Thursday for sure.

TWEET!
For anyone who doesn’t use Twitter, tweets are kind of like wall posts on Facebook. Ever since it started, I thought Twitter was stupid – like technological caveman IM. Why bother? But I started using it earnestly this weekend and I actually like it. I feel like my mind is sharper and more creative during the day for reading other people’s witty tweets.

iPhone Home
For about the past month, I’ve been seriously considering getting an iPhone. The dialogue in my head:

  • “That phone is so freaking cool.”
  • “That phone is so an MP3 player.”
  • “That phone has an amazing user interface.”
  • “That phone has incredible apps.”
  • “There are people starving in Africa right now.”

End of debate.

Every time I think about the iPhone, that’s how the internal conversation concludes. Please don’t think I’m being too irreverent for seeming to make a joke about hunger/thirst. I’m not at all. It’s just interesting to me how the pull of the external life (how hot the iPhone is) competes against the interior life (how horrible poverty is). I’m not trying to make this an either/or thing. If you have an iPhone, it’s totally cool. This is the tension inside of ME about this decision. When I find myself in these situations, I usually try diffusing the tension with randomness and come back to being serious later. That’s what happened in my head tonight.

Back to the iPhone. I really can’t help but think how incredible it is. I bought my BlackBerry Curve (arguably the 2nd-7th coolest phone right now) for $50 refurbished. I’ve always had luck with refurbished products, so I’m going to keep buying them.

I really hate the word “refurbished” though. Like if you buy the phone retail, is it furbished? Wait, stop! Some of you are cracking open dictionary.com right now to check on the etymology of the word. I’ll save you the trip. Guess what? Now that I’ve looked it up, I hate the word refurbish even more than I thought I did. The word “furbish” means “to restore to freshness of appearance or good condition.” So the “re-” in refurbish is completely redundant. Thanks a lot for wasting my time, English language!

Back to the iPhone. Again. Whenever I see one it’s as if time stops and a choir sings – like that new Domino’s commercial. You gotta watch it. Check out the two choirs. Instead of Subway vs. Domino’s, imagine it’s the BlackBerry vs. the iPhone.

Yeah, that’s the choir I hear. In fact, tonight, as I was looking at my BlackBerry, considering the iPhone’s coolness, I remembered another obsolete phone.

zack-andy-cell-phone

3 responses so far

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