Andy Merrick

Meatheads and Hosses
40 degrees here in Nashville tonight and my brothers and I were playing softball. Pretty chilly. We played two games tonight in the tournament. We won the first. In the second game, we played a team we lost to by 1 run in the regular season. The team we played is called Social Pipeline. They’re a cool group. I was thinking during the game how easily our judgments of people are formed and switched. When you look at a lot of the guys on the team, they’re cut. Their the ones Under Armour was made for. Guys built like me don’t exactly fill that stuff out.

Anyway, earlier in the season, seeing these guys for the first time, I thought, “What a bunch of meatheads.” Turns out the team is a ton of fun to play. It’s not like we’re joking around all game but a laugh here and a, “Nice hit” there can totally change your opinion about someone. So now these meatheads are just hosses (no, hot hoses…hosses…they’re big and can hit the ball far). A meathead is someone who is 1. bigger than you and 2. stupid and/or 3. drinks protein shakes at every meal and calls it muscle milk and/or 4. someone you have animosity toward, probably for one or more reasons above. A hoss is someone who is 1. bigger than you and 2. talented. There is a difference! Well, the team we played has a bunch of hosses - guys who can hit the ball very hard and very far. The first game against us, they hit 4 home runs farther than anything I’ve seen in a while.

The Games
From the time our first game began, I kept having this thought over and over again (I’m not telling you what it is yet). I pitch for our team so every few pitches I would have this thought. And it’s strange because every once in a while during the season, I think this thought, but not so many times in one night. Well, the first game ended and nothing became of my thought. Then we came to the 3rd inning of game 2. One of their hosses came to the plate. I had the thought again. I pitched the first ball. It was perfect. And he just watched it. Strike. “Weird,” I thought. “Why didn’t he bomb that thing?” Pitch 2. The batter swings…

The Hit
I’ve played baseball/softball for a long time. I played outfield in baseball and I pitch in sotball. When a ball gets hit, there is only one trajectory that’s difficult to judge. This guy hit it. “He hit the ball,” I instantly thought. “Why does it seem to be moving so slow?” My reflexes kicked in. “Because he just hit a line drive at you, dummy!” (My reflexes talk to me.) In all the time I’ve played, I think I’ve only had one other ball hit so hard at me. Line drives are so tough to judge because there is no frame of reference by which you can judge its speed. You just know its direction (at you).

The Aftermath
Is this just some melodramatic, not-so-interesting storytelling exercise? No. See, this guy hit a screaming line drive right at my head. That recurring thought I was having? All night long up until that point, I had been thinking, “You’re going to get hit in the head tonight.” I got my glove up and the ball didn’t quite hit in the webbing. Actually, for those keeping score at home, it hit me mostly in the first metacarpal (the index finger bone just below your actual finger digit). Stung like a beast. There were a bunch of people waiting to play the next game who were watching. I heard a collective gasp. The batter said, “Oh, sh!t” and came running out to see if I was ok. I always feel bad for batters when they hit a ball right back up the middle at me. They don’t intend to do it - it’s just part of the game. We slapped five (the bro five) and I said, “Ain’t no thing, man!”

Scurred
But that’s just it. It WAS a thing to me. See, I’m scared to die.

Even though I’m a Jesus follower, I’m still scared to die. “What if that ball HAD hit me in the head?” Truthfully, I may not have died, but I’ve got to think it would have cracked my skull. And I mentioned this is the only the 2nd hardest hit ball. Last year, one of my friends hit a ball just like that. I got my glove up a split second before the ball hit my heart. Back then, I remember thinking about how trauma to the heart (via ribs) can cause it to beat irregularly or stop beating altogether.

Christmas
On December 19, I’ll probably catch a flight back to Michigan. I’ll go and hang out with my family and eat good food and tell good stories and laugh a lot. And there’s no doubt in my mind I’m going home. It doesn’t scare me. It’s home.

So if, as a Christian, heaven is my true home, what does it mean if I’m scared to die? Does it mean I am UNSURE of what Jesus actually did on the Cross? I’m inclined to think, “I’m just a human. It’s normal to be scared of all that. I’ve been home hundreds of times. I’ve never been to heaven.” Ah, but that misses the essence of faith. The classic Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see” (emphasis mine). The author goes on to talk about all the people in the Old Testament who just trusted God. They took Him at His word.

The Truth
I’m afraid to die. That’s just the way my life is right now. Yes, this sometimes makes me wonder if I’m a Christian at all (I think I am, by the way - according to the gospel interpretation commonly accepted in evangelical circles, I’m a Christian). And, yes, some people reading this might feel sorry for me. But I’m beginning to be ok with all these things. Don’t get me wrong. There would be no greater Christmas present (or Tomorrow present) than understanding I really AM forgiven and I really AM going to heaven when I die.

In chapter 12, Hebrews says, “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

The Purpose
Is it possible that all the frustration and all the questions and all the doubt in our lives is producing a “harvest of righteousness and peace”? If God lets us wrestle with these questions (which can be painful), does that mean He’s disciplining us in some way? I don’t know. Maybe. Here’s what I wrote to my friend, Annie, today: “I wonder if people who always say life is awesome are just deluded or trying to delude others. Deceived or deceivers? And if they legitimately live on Easy Street, are we so sure we’d want to be there, too? See, I wouldn’t. And that’s interesting to me. A life on Easy Street scares the junk out of me.”

And THAT is why I don’t mind wrestling through the fact that I’m afraid to die. Should I be afraid? I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I am. And this is another Worm of mine - something it scares me to admit. My name is Andy. I’m afraid to die. And Jesus is going to help me not be that way anymore. I trust His Word in Hebrews. I trust Him.

I have to be careful when I write. Way too often, writing becomes a means for me to try and impress people.

Blogs are strange things. You learn a lot of cool stuff on them. I suppose some waste your time. A lot of times I’m reluctant to write on my blog because I feel like my motivation is wrong (trying to impress people). Sometimes I just don’t feel like I have something to say that is worth another person’s time to read. But the incredible thing is that even when you have a self-deprecating entry, you can still be trying to impress people with humility or the fact that you know yourself. I’m not doing that tonight.

But so caught up am I in impressing people that a lot of times, I don’t write what I feel like writing. I don’t write about how I was working on a computer program this weekend and pounded my fist on the desk and yelled the F word. (Actually, I did that 3 times this weekend). I don’t write about how I have these feelings sometimes of wanting to smash my car into someone that cuts in front me. I think, “If only I had a big police car-ram thingy on the front of this.” I don’t write about how I make my brothers mad every week because I play music all the time (and way too loud). I don’t write about how disappointed I am that the 28 years of my life have amounted to very little. It’s all self-preservation. I want other people to think I’m awesome so I never tell anyone those things. But tonight, I realized something…again.

We had a co-ed flag football game tonight. On the last play of the game, we needed to stop the other team from scoring. They were on our 2-yard line (close to scoring). The ball got snapped. People started running all over the place. I saw the quarterback look right. I knew he was going to throw it where he was looking. He launched the ball. I turned and looked to see who from our team was in coverage over there. Not a soul. The other team scored on us as time expired. Our undefeated season came to an end in the semi-finals. I was furious. My brother, Dave, was the closest to the play. I asked him in a forceful voice, “WHERE WERE YOU!?!?” He said, “I slipped.” He quickly added, in a dejected but offended tone, “Dude, c’mon, don’t be like that.”

Like what? Isn’t my reaction just normal? It seems so. But it bothers the heck out of me! I could tell you of 5 other things I did today very similar to this. It’s a pattern.

We stayed to watch the championship game and I asked myself, “Where does all this anger come from?” See, in those moments, I treated Dave like he was subhuman. He was a pile of crap that stunk up my day. I could try and reason to myself all kinds of things to prevent the anger: Dave tried his best, it’s not like he WANTED them score, everyone makes mistakes, it’s only a rec league co-ed flag football game, he’s my brother and he deserves to be treated better. But none of it makes a difference. My heart reacted so strongly  and so quickly.

And that’s why I’m writing this blog. Because this is me. This is part of my life. For all the posturing and all the image I want to portray, this is part of me, too. And it bugs me. And that’s why I feel like eating worms. If people knew half the things that go on inside me, no one would like me. We sang a song when we were kids. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.

Inevitably, someone reading this with a much better heart than mine will want to cheer me up. I hope you do! But this entry (and entries I hope to make in the closing days of this year) are more about the WHOLE me…not just the good parts. Maybe people won’t hate me. Maybe some people will see things in their own lives and start talking about them. Because what I realized again tonight is that most of us AREN’T good people. We consistently do a bunch of bad things we can’t even really explain. But we never share any of these things with each other. We share the good times (and that’s great) but, even with our closest friends, most of us don’t talk about the inner places of our heart.

I think that sharing these things is going to force me to reckon with the core of who I am. I have a lot of fears about this, in honesty. I wonder if down the road some girl I think is cute will read this and think, “Um, no. Not this guy.” But if this is who I am, won’t it come as a shock later on to find out I’m actually a dirtbag!? Might as well get things out in the open! Or maybe an employer will read this and say, “Uh, no. Not this guy.” This might make people think I’m a jerk or a freak. You may be exactly right!!! And that’s the whole point! I’d rather be a freak who knows it and can work to NOT be one than a “nice guy” who has all this mixed up stuff inside him but keeps living life with a smile on his face like nothing’s wrong. That’s not the life I want.

I was wrong with my brother tonight. I told him I was sorry. I told him I didn’t want to be like that. And I don’t. I so badly want to live an authentic life. Authentic doesn’t necessarily mean everyone likes you or that you’ve got it all together. An authentic Famous Amos cookie doesn’t have chocolate chips hiding somewhere on the cookie or in some 4th dimension (this is weird, I know!). The chips are out there. I want my life to be also.

“Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.”

The CEO of my company told a story in a state of the company meeting we had last Thursday. It really moved me. Details may not be spot on, but the essence of the story is the same.

It’s a story about Jimmy Carter, the old President.

He attended the Naval Academy. Upon graduation and some time in the Navy, he met Admiral Rickover, a man known for being incredibly demanding. Carter was interviewing for some billet. They talked about all kinds of stuff during the meeting. Toward the end, Rickover asked him, “How would you say you performed at the Academy?” Carter was proud. “I finished 9th in my class, sir.” Rickover slowly turned around in his chair and faced the wall. Staring at the back of Rickover’s chair, Carter knew the interview was over. Rickover waited a while longer and then said, “We’re done.” Carter got up and walked to the door. When he reached it, Rickover spoke once more. “Did you do your best?” he asked. Carter thought about it for a moment before answering. “No, sir, I didn’t,” Carter finally replied. Rickover asked one more question. “Why not?” That was a question Carter said haunted him for years. When he made his run for the presidency, he wrote a book entitled, “The Best.”

I don’t remember anything more of the story. I don’t even remember what our CEO said after that. I was blown away. I thought a while about this: “How many days do I do my best?” I’m not talking about being THE best. I’m talking about doing MY best. It’s a rare day. I could breakdown a lot more, but that’s for another time. Right now, I want to leave you with the question. Even though the answer can be thought about in a dozen or more ways, it’s worth the time.

Are you doing your best?

the couch: a poem
by andy merrick

you brought brownies and orange juice
you brought my mom and pops
your stuffed bears ever present
your talking parrot tops

you smoked and belched at breakfast
a radish bagel near
you piled food high by me saying,
“have some more, my dear”

you walked 10 feet per hour
oblivious to time
you said you hated bingo
but i saw you win those dimes

you cursed once in a while
and you always seemed surprised
such filthy language spilled out
before our ears and eyes

you let us spell our names out
with stickers on your door
you beat the stroke that should have killed you
many years before

caribbean blue your eyes
could light up any place
your laugh boomed loud and proud
people heard you miles away

to annie and to figgy
my grandmas loving strong
i miss our days of laughing
my heart is sad you’re gone

the couch my lasting image
of both your lives lived long
sitting in the waiting room
waiting to go home

unsure of when i’ll breathe my last
i’m sure of this, you two
when i get up to heaven
i want brownies and some juice.

—————————————–

my mom’s mom, figgy, just died two weeks ago tonight. my dad’s mom died a little over a year ago. i’m sad they’re gone, but so happy they were my grandmas! this poem is about them both.

Running water from a faucet during the fall and winter is so cold.

In my life right now, I’m going through some tough times. Nothing outrageous. Just a whole bunch of little things that add up into a lot of frustration and disappointment. It’s been a couple years since I was so discouraged.

For most of us, we imagine anything less than elation in life is not good. Whenever someone has a problem in their life, we want to fix it. We want the bad stuff to go away. Fast.

When we face trials in life, it’s like we’re getting into a cold car. We feel a shiver in our shoulders, our teeth chatter, and we ever so silently mumble, “Brrrrrr.” We’re desperate for warmer air.

It always makes me laugh when people go to Florida or the Bahamas during the summer. It doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. But take a trip there during the winter and you’re the envy of all your friends!

What’s the point? Nothing new. Just something that comforted me tonight. “Winter water” that is freezing cold out of the faucet causes our hands to tense up but it inevitably gives way to really nice, warm water. And even though it’s only touching our hands, heat waves seem to ripple over our skin up and down the arms and abdomen (yes, I said “abdomen”). The bitter cold gives way to a warmth that is appreciated because it is in stark contrast to the cold. Florida during the winter is way better because it is in such contrast to the cold north.

Life gets tough. It’s like freezing cold water.

In the bible, James writes that we should count it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because it is producing really good stuff in our lives after we get through the difficult time. The warm water is yet to come. The vacation is around the corner. You don’t know when and you don’t know where, but it’s coming. And when it does, you won’t remember the crappy time you’re in right now. You’ll be enjoying the great warmth.

But until then, you must endure the cold. It doesn’t feel good right now, but it will. The deeper the chill, the greater the relief. So be encouraged, my soul. Be encouraged, friend reading this. We are on our way to being mature and complete - not lacking a thing. God allows all things to happen to bring us closer to Himself - whether joy or sorrow - He uses both in order to drive us to our greatest good - Himself.

The anticipation of Florida doesn’t mean it isn’t cold today. It just means that it won’t always be cold! Better days are yet to come. Be encouraged.

Lots of happy people tonight. Lots of sad people, too.

In the end, we can all rest easy!

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God” (Romans 13:1).

Knowing that Barack would be president doesn’t surprise God! The Lord wasn’t waiting around for CNN to announce the winner tonight! No, God instituted this.

For the next 4 years, Barack Obama is going to pour his entire being into our nation! He will probably work harder than most of us. I pray for you tonight, Barack - that the Lord would grant you uncommon wisdom in leading all of us!

Barack will make mistakes. Perhaps people’s worst imaginings will come true and we’ll become a socialist country that loses our status in the world. That seems extreme, but whatever the case, the truth of Psalm 97 cannot be taken, given away, or otherwise erased!

“The LORD reigns, let the earth be GLAD;
let the distant shores REJOICE! …
For you, O LORD, are the Most High over all the earth;
you are exalted far above all gods. …
Light is shed upon the righteous,
and JOY on the upright in heart.
REJOICE in the LORD, you who are righteous,
and praise his holy name.”
(Psalm 97:1,9,11-12)

Do you see those capitalized words? The language of joy - regardless of a circumstance we might find unpleasant. If you’re a Jesus follower and you’re sad today because of the election, you’ve got two reason to be happy. First, Obama is God’s choice. Rest in His sovereignty. Second, you can rejoice today because of Jesus and what He’s done for us! Today, God is still sovereign. Jesus is still King.

If you know Him, listen to the Psalm! Rejoice in Him! Be happy because of Jesus. Praise His name for everything He is and does! In honesty, I don’t even understand exactly what it means to rejoice in God. But I’m going to do what I THINK it means - and part of it is being happy He is sovereign - “the LORD reigns.” He is “over all the earth.” I’m totally pumped about that tonight!! I go to sleep knowing that it is His sovereignty that protects our country, causes our lungs to breathe, and elects men as leaders of a country!

“For FROM him and THROUGH him and TO him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.” (Romans 11:36)

i was so desperately wanting to sing to music tonight, but couldn’t.
——————————————————

the worst: a poem
by andy merrick

you make me hot and sweaty
but are sometimes cold as ice
you say you’re always ready
this never turns out nice

you leave me devastated
and take my breath away
sniffling misery paraded
day by day by day

sometimes you make me nauseous
i lose my appetite
i need to be more cautious
when you just want to fight

my bones feel crushed and battered
and you don’t seem to care
a pair of sweatpants tattered
on the couch, i sit and stare

like a baker, i’m so needy
despair broken with ice cream
ben and jerry’s or some edy’s
it matters not to me

i’m ready to be done with you
as far as all that goes
but the worst thing about you, flu,
is losing my falsetto.

Breakups. They usually stink. They’re usually made really tough because us guys are so seemingly callous. We just rip the rug right out from under a girl. One day she’s enjoying the relationship, the next, we’re gone. What gives? Why does it happen?

In the spirit of my last couple posts, I’ve been doing a lot of heart searching. I’ve been talking to the Lord a lot and spending more time with Him during the day - even when I’m at work. I’ve been asking a lot of questions. All this time has allowed Him to show me a lot of things. My way with girls is one. I write here because I think it explains a lot of how and why guys end up breaking girls’ hearts.

Guys are often faulted for leading girls on. We would protest, but I think the accusation is accurate. Here’s what happens. We see a girl. She’s pretty. But more than being pretty, she pays attention to us. Ah. SHE must think WE’RE good looking, too. Score. This attention is all we need. Now it’s on. Our minds shift into Narcissism Mode. Both sexes do it. Before we even start talking to them, we start wondering, “Oh man, am I wearing something cool? Am I standing weird? Am I laughing too loud?Wow, I feel weird right now. Why is my heart beating so fast? Is my face turning red at all? It’s hot in here. I should have brushed my teeth. Is my hair cool? Dangit, I wish I wasn’t standing in the midst of all these other guys who are better looking than me. What would I say if I had a chance to talk to her? Probably something dumb. No, come on, I’m the man. I’d say something funny. What would it be?”

Notice anything about that internal dialogue? It’s all focused on ME. What do _I_ look like? How do _I_ feel? What am _I_ going to do? Some of that is cool but most isn’t. It continues when you actually start talking to the girl. We search for witty things to say - something that’s funny so she’ll laugh. But why do we want her to laugh? Because it makes US feel good. We think, “She laughed! Cedric the Entertainer’s got nothing on me. Everything I say is gold.” Our talking with girls becomes a performance. We don’t care about bringing the GIRL pleasure, we care primarily about our ego and the pleasure WE derive from positive feedback. Truthfully, in our hearts, we elevate ourselves above the girl. This is why so many guys and girls go out with each other and say, “They never stopped talking about themselves.” It’s all a show. We’re trying to impress the other person. So we ask questions but then don’t listen to the answer because we’re thinking, “I’m the man. I’ve asked her like 5 questions in a row. This is going to make me look like an awesome guy.” Over and over and over again. We have no idea what the girl is saying. Because it’s still all about us.

This is sin. It’s pride and selfishness. And the result of sin is always pain and heartache. So what happens? At some point, us guys realize that we’ve thoroughly impressed the girl with who we are. We’ve got the girl wrapped around our finger. And something strange happens. We start to actually pay attention to things she’s saying and doing and we think, “Gosh, I didn’t know she was like this. I don’t want to be in a relationship with this girl. She’s nice and all, but she isn’t for me.” Our arrogance gets arrested by sudden shock - I need to get out of this.

I’ve done this very thing to at least two girls in my life. It’s horrible. As guys, we were riding the pride wave high and now this realization has sunk us. We’re going to have to break up with the girl. And for any semi-honorable man, this is the worst. We know what we’ve done. We may not be able to express everything I’ve written here, but we at least know we’ve broken the girl’s heart. And there’s nothing we can do now. The tears shed are a result of the broken heart, but the first cause was sin. And so I write - if only to crystallize these things in my own mind.

“”Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4).

This girl’s broken heart is the result of my sin. I have been selfish, conceited, and prideful. I’ve looked to my own interests - my own pleasure.

So what am I to do? If you’re a guy reading this and you’ve done the same, what are YOU to do? If you’re a girl reading this and you’ve had your heart broken and don’t want it to happen again, what should YOU do? First, please forgive me if I’ve offended your sensibilities in telling the outline of what I’ve done in the past. The Lord has forgiven me of these things, and I ask the same from you. Now, here is the solution.

Paul continues, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, bring in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant…he humbled himself…” (Philippians 2:6-7).

Now, how can we ever do this? How can my sinful heart ever hope to have the same attitude as Jesus’ heart? Paul must be crazy telling me how my attitude should be! But he explains HOW this happens, “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:12-13).

And here we see. My pride, my selfishness, my vain conceit can be gone by gaining Christ’s attitude BECAUSE GOD is the one who will work in me to will and to act according to His good purpose. It is God that makes it happen!! Is there anything we must do? Yes. Paul says, “CONTINUE to work out your salvation…” We are justified in Jesus once for all! Yes! But the fruit of salvation comes over the course of a lifetime. Jesus would say here, “Abide in me. Continue in me.” That is a daily thing. We continue and God does the work of changing our hearts!

See, breaking a girl’s heart is not the point. It is sad, but ultimately, it is a another signpost, demonstrating what’s going on in our hearts - we are very sinful and very much unlike Jesus. So I am sorry for breaking a girl’s heart. But I am sorrier that I’ve broken God’s and not allowed Him the room to change me!

If you’re a guy that has been behaving like this and wants to stop, consider your daily walk with the Lord. Are you continuing to work out your salvation? If not, His ability to bear fruit in your life is being greatly hampered. And your life will show this - it will be disordered and chaotic. There will be a lot of pain in your life that is a result of sin. You’ll break girls’ hearts, too. Do you feel a burn in your heart today? “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your heart” (Psalm 95:7). Call out to Him simply right now and take steps in your day to reconnect your soul with Him.

If you’re a girl that continues to have her heart broken, you can do something, too. First, you’re not above pride. You may do similar things in relationships. Examine yourself. But, to keep from having your heart broken, be more aware of how a guy is behaving. Is he always trying to impress you but not really caring about you? Does he not remember things you say (an indication he’s talking to himself while you’re talking to him)? Ask probing questions that are difficult. Ask him straight up, but in a casual, conversational way if he is ever so concerned with trying to impress you that he is failing to really find out who you are and what you’re about. Ask him why he likes you and expect to hear compelling reasons - not just to boost your self-esteem but, most importantly, to find out if he is dating you to feel good about himself or because he enjoys YOU.

And think reasonably, girls! Out of all the people in the world, you’ll marry one. Only one. Most of us guys are not the one for you. It’s ok if not everyone wants to run off and get married. This is why you can be bold when getting to know a guy. Kick the tires. Kick them hard. If they can’t take a steel boot, chances are you don’t want to drive 70mph down the road with it. If a guy can’t take hard questions, he’s probably not for you. That’s ok! Don’t be so desperate! Satan wants to discourage you and make you think you’re a cow or ugly or some other negative thing. Don’t be fooled by those strange feelings in your soul. As you’ve read here, just because a guy is paying attention to you doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a good thing. Be wise in your dealings with guys! Control your heart to a degree and let your head enter the picture.

I want to close by emphasizing the supremacy of Jesus here! HE is the only way I’ll ever treat girls the right way because only HE has the power to change my heart from being sinful to being selfless. I cannot make a commitment and say, “I will treat girls better.” That’s an empty statement that depends on my own abilities and I know I can do almost nothing right in my life. My track record proves it. I can only seek Jesus every day - continue in Him. He’ll work out all the details of my heart. He promised that and I believe Him. Today. Tomorrow I’ll have to wake up and believe Him again. Then I’ll stop being a menace to His daughters. Jesus is able to do all we ask of Him! So continue and ask!

Bottom line. If I watch sports on TV, you can almost guarantee I will become angry with a referee or ump at some point during the game. I’m not alone. In fact, whole crowds often chant demeaning, curse-ridden tirades at referees for making bad calls. Nuts and bolts and sheep.

The reaction of fans (or myself) is never in proportion with the event. After all, it’s just a game. At base, though, the reaction is in response to the miscarriage of justice. Seems weighty, huh? A ref misses a call and it’s injustice? I think so.

Essentially, refs and umps are judges. They are weighing the “evidence” of what they see and making “judgment” calls on what has occurred. And we go crazy when they get it wrong.

Remember the OJ trial? Chris Rock said it best, “Black people too happy. White people too mad.” The courts and the miscarriages of justice there have been cause for some of the juiciest stories in the news. They make for some of the best movies. They evoke emotion.

I want you to consider something. Jesus Christ. You may or may not believe in Him or the story of His life. But for those who do, we believe He lived a perfect life. Perfect. And He ended up on the Cross. He was beaten, flogged, whipped, forced to carry his own “electric chair” to the execution site. A perfect man was murdered on that day - the biggest miscarriage of justice ever. Jesus exclaims, “My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?” We should be indignant that such a miscarriage of justice took place.

But there was no miscarriage. Jesus Christ, hanging on the Cross, was punished for what He represented. Yes, HE lived a perfect life. But WE have not. We DO not. And it was OUR sin that was placed on Him. Jesus was taking our place. He represented us. He became our High Priest - offering a sacrifice for the sins of all people. The justice of punishment for sin was borne by this perfect man. God did not forsake Jesus. He forsook what Jesus represented - us. On that day, God was forsaking us.

And this is why Jesus deserves to be worshiped. What must people have thought who saw this perfect man made suffer His impending death for hours? That is our death. God the Father, The Judge, did this. He did it to satisfy the demands of justice - that sin be punished. But God the Father, The Lover and Merciful, and Jesus the Son simultaneously demonstrated their love and mercy for all humanity.

The next time you get mad at a ref or ump, calm your soul. That rage and sin that erupts in our hearts is the reason He died. Remember the justice that Jesus has borne for us. Imagine Him bleeding on the Cross for you - for your friends and family. For that ref. The game means nothing. Your soul means everything. Don’t see the game as so important. It’s not. See Jesus today. See Him and let your rage be gone. Let worship fill you.

“Jesus said, ‘I am the resurrection and the life.’” (John 11:25)

“What can wash away my sin?
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Oh, precious is the flow
That makes us white snow
No other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

I’m not a big board game fan. Some people love the camaraderie of playing a rousing game of Risk or Stratego. Some people’s minds just work that way. Some people start bouncing off walls if they even imagine they’ve heard the word Catch Phrase or Scattergories. “Who said Catch Phrase? Does someone have it!?” In honesty, I’ve never played Boggle and have no idea how it’s played, but I’m sure some people really love a good game of Boggle. I remember being about 7 and looking at a backgammon board for hours trying to imagine how any game could possibly be played on a board that folded up like a suitcase. I still don’t know.

The last couple weeks I’ve been noticing lots of latent sin in my life - these hidden things that happen in my heart that, on the surface, are so normal they’re almost not worth considering. You’d say, “Oh, everyone does that. It’s no big deal.” I listened to a sermon on 2 Kings today that is causing me to reconsider my laxity in dealing with these hidden, almost-unnoteworthy sins.

In 2 Kings, we read about Josiah who became king at the age of 8. Eighteen years into his reign, he sends one of his men, Shaphan, on a run to the temple to tell the high priest some stuff. Little does Shaphan know that the high priest was doing some cleaning in the temple and found a copy of the Law - the first 5 books of the bible. Up to this point - for AT LEAST the entire duration of Josiah’s reign (18 years), no one has been reading the bible - not even the priests. Not a soul. So Josiah’s servant, Shaphan (the messenger), reads it and then takes it back to Josiah, announcing simply, “Hilkiah the priest has given me a book.” Shaphan then reads the Law to Josiah. And Josiah tears his robes. He knows the entire kingdom has been living in blatant disobedience to God’s commands.

It makes me wonder: did those people know they were living rubbish lives? I think they did. Somehow, inside of them, I think they did. Of course, it’s pure speculation. But regardless of whether they did or didn’t know, I know they learned and justified their way of life because everyone else lived the same exact way. They worshiped idols because everyone else did. They sinned in similar ways because everyone else did. And thought little of it because they continued that way. Until the Law was found. Then their lives changed. For a number of years, anyway. Until Josiah’s son became king. Then things got real out of control. But that’s another event for another time.

Our time and place is little different. The process of socialization - whether secular or religious - makes us who we are. The right-ness of who we become is determined by our resemblance to the way God wants us to be - which He tells us in the bible. Josiah saw this. Josiah heard God’s words and I think his heart was torn in two. The physical tearing of his royal robe was just a natural manifestation that overflowed from his soul. HE HAD EMOTION!! Sure, anyone can tear a robe. People who are not broken-hearted can tear a robe. But there are people who will tear robes when they have broken hearts. Josiah and many men in the bible were these kinds of people - real robe-tearers. They heard God speaking to their souls. Not in an audible voice - but in a whisper that sheared their existence. This is the picture we should have when the author of Hebrews writes that “the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates EVEN TO DIVIDING soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

Are you hearing Him speak to you in your life? If not, are you reading His word regularly? He has many ways of speaking, but the bible is certainly prime among them.

I’ve heard Him recently tell me that I don’t have a reason for many of the strong opinions I have - and my opinions are often leading me into sin. Opinions that are inconsequential to anything having to do with Jesus. But I hold them just as firm. I will have disagreements with people and say, “No, I think so and so.” They’ll disagree with me and inside, I burn. I’m mad at this person for disagreeing with me. Who do they think they are? Like they really know more than me. Selfish, prideful sin. Ask me WHY I believe certain things and I often won’t be able to offer a sound reason. Sure, I’ll give reasons, but none of them are particularly good. It’s just me trying to force myself and my will onto someone else - making them believe something I do. It’s foolishness.

I’ve been seeing a few things in my life like this - sin that is hidden. I’ve never noticed it before, but it is part of my every day life. I’ve been asking God to show me these sins, and I’ll be danged if He isn’t answering.

I watch sports every once in a while - maybe part of a game once or twice a week (I’m not being facetious, either - I don’t watch too much). But when I do, if Detroit is playing, I go ballistic if someone on the other team does something against my team. Where does that come from? That anger? In some people, almost rage?

I love my job. But I wish I was paid more. In fact, I THINK I should be paid more. And I believe it so much that I said something about it to my boss. Twice now. I regret both times. Why do I think I deserve more? The reason? A new guy was hired on our team who makes more than me and produces less. I can’t tell you the anger I’ve wrestled with over that. Instead of being in awe with what God HAS given me and the BLESSING to have the ability to do the work I do, I’m angry and bitter and unappreciative. Instead of marveling at God’s provision for my teammate, I only think about myself. Instead of being caught up in the fact that Jesus has rescued me from my sins and made it so I don’t have to live IN my sin anymore, I wallow in it anyway. Why? Because it’s the human thing to do. You know the truth of the matter though? None of those reasons explain the measure of anger I have. It is sin plain and simple.

What has happened with all this? The Lord continues to bring The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard to my mind. I had thought of this parable 3 times bfore I talked to my boss. Then I talked to another friend about the issue and guess what he told me, “Whenever I feel that way, I always remember the Parable of the Vineyard Workers.” Funny. So that parable is the one about the guys who are hired at 9 in the morning from the employment line. The owner of the field keeps going back to the employment line and picking more workers - at each hour of the day. So at the end of the day, the owner is going to pay the men. The first guys paid are the ones who only worked 1 hour. The owner pays them 1 denarius. So the guys who started at 9 think, “WOW! We’re going to get a TON of money.” But the owner only pays them 1 denarius also. And the men grumble against the landowner. And the owner replies to one of the grumbling men, “Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my money? Or are you envious because I am generous?” (Matthew 20:13-15). God’s word is helping me break these unexplainable sins in my life.

There are tons more. Some I know, some I’m sure I don’t. But I know I’ve never cared for board games much. And I can’t explain why. I’ve made fun of people who like those games for as long as I can remember and that is really wrong. Just like I make fun of people who aren’t like me and don’t act the way I do. This “making fun” is often comedic (as my “making fun” of board games was above), but there is often deeper, more sinful emotion below the surface that the comedy just hides - like the high schoolers who “make fun” of other kids because of what they wear or how they talk or 1,000 other things. The Bowling For Soup song is right - high school never ends. Our ways of bringing people down just get more sophisticated. And we hide them from ourselves by rationalizing - “I’m a funny person” or “Everyone else does it.” We hide it like the Law was hidden from the Jews. But I can testify….the moment God’s Word shines into our heart on those places, there is heartbreak. You want to tear your clothes and get away from yourself. You end up like Peter, saying, “Go away from me, Lord. I am a sinful man.” But this is precisely God’s business. It’s precisely WHY He was there to be with Peter and the disciples. It’s why He’s still here with us today. He makes sinners righteous.

Paul describes the sinful nature (and, consequently, much of what happens in our lives and society) like this: “At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in MALICE and ENVY, being hated and hating one another.” But then Jesus came. “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” He continues and says, “I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good.” (Titus 3:3-8).

Some days our behavior may cause us to question our salvation. Those questions are sometimes warranted. But maybe we just need a Shaphan in our lives - someone that will say, “Hilkiah the priest has given me a book.” Maybe your friend’s name isn’t Hilkiah and they’re probably not a priest but there is sin in your life waiting to be uprooted and tossed away. God’s word and His power are the tools to do it.

I’ve been realizing there is very little pleasure in most of these hidden sins. They just choke me and make me feel uncomfortable. How they play out - making fun of someone, asking for a raise, etc - is just a release valve, but it really doesn’t make us feel good. So I close with this. Our JOY is on the line every additional day we decide we want to live in our sin. I’m asking myself tonight: do I or do I NOT believe Psalm 1 when it says, “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his DELIGHT is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.” My actions over the next couple weeks will prove if I believe it or not. The reward? Delight. AND…being “like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1:3).